ThiS Is MinE

Dreams that never be the same

2011-09-15T10:15:00.000-07:00

A friend told me, Woi, Stone ah?

For the first time i realize i would just stare on a spot and think about nothing. It used to be blog that been a place where everything i felt/think will be unleash on.

But it seems that i rather put my feeling aka thoughts on random places so that it will not leave any memories? Or i just enjoy, STONE.

The feeling that no one knows, the thoughts that unspeakable..
But once i look up the sky, i saw hope, I saw everything that i was hoping for, the hope is still there waiting for me to reach it...

Is been how long WE all had forget what we really want? What is the wish we atcually wish for when we was kid... After the years of environment change and external factors that cause us to changed, what is the person WE are now?

I have the capabilty to remember almost 80% dreams I had when i asleep. And these 2 days, for no reason, I kept think of her.

It is so real, even me myself believe what really happened.
After the dream is over, the disappointment came. Again, stone at my bed, looking at the surrounding of my room...

P/S; Owh, everything is still normal... I guess..

I'm back.. For the moment~

2011-07-23T13:04:00.000-07:00

Is been a while that I skipped the blog when my life started at Melaka.

I've been asking myself, whether is still the right way, to express my own feelings through bloggin...

Indeed, I'm a quiet person, keep things to myself, maybe I get the manly part wrongly.

20/7/2010, my birthday..
Thanks for the wishes, I felt the warm that come back to my heart.

But there was 2 things I'm quite care of, is I can't celebrate with my family and...
She din wish me birthday at all...

Maybe, she's just busy, or maybe, she just avoiding me.
I'm sorry for the inconvenience that I caused,
And can we fulfill back our promises?
WE ARE FRIENDS...

Things had been gone wrong where all things happened in a sudden..
I think it just my fault, to take the wrong decision.

For all these years I've been finding myself, what is me?
Today, I noticed that I've done wrong.

LIFE AINT FINDING URSELF, IS JUST ABOUT THE CREATION OF UR OWN-SELF

These days I've been thinkin...
The in-mature ME had done wrong stuffs...
And is time to change myself to fix everything back...

THE PAST IS ALREADY PAST, WHATS IMPORTANT NOW IS THE PRESENT

Maybe,
I'm just now perfect at all...

Maybe,
No one does...

2011-05-29T23:58:00.000-07:00

寂寞是说不出的痛，迷茫的眼神，孤独的背影，落寞的身影.采菊斜阳下，把酒欲临空.月下花自落，流水不曾归.夜黑惆怅白，欲诉无人问.我的寂寞你懂吗?

岁月如梭，一转眼间青春已过，所有的那些曾有的梦，宛如梦里的昙花，一夜间就凋零.梦境里的绝对唯美，清晨苏醒时显得格外残酷，刺痛了心，伤透了情怀，我在一瞬间就苍老了些许年.

总想用力的抓住些什么，总在痴心妄想的得到些什么，来证明自己这一生的存在.我不愿我走过的世界，只余一个孤独的背影，无人记起，无人知觉，也没人为我哭泣.那我此生来过又有何为?

心已乱，乱得杂念如浮萍，一夜间从灵魂的深处浮现.不敢读文章，不敢和熟知的友人说话.怕自己一张口，污染了他人淡雅的情怀.进入聊天室里，疯狂的找一些陌生的虚假的不知何人何物的同样无聊的人.说着一些不着边际的话题，谈一些无聊透顶的废话.也许，那夜里我激情四谢，可时过境迁情怀已不再，此夜和她已无语言.总把好友群的网友，加了又加，可清醒过后删了又删.网里人来了又去.一如海的潮起潮落.起起伏伏没有定数.

最怕清晨从梦里醒来.醒来时四周一片寂静，感觉世人皆睡，唯我独醒于天地之间.心如丝，丝若线，丝丝线线在一起纠缠不清.很多白日里不曾细想的心事，很多平常里已遗忘的细节，在这时，如儿时的连环画般清清楚楚显现在记忆里.睁开双眼，感觉好寂寞，窗外那不知是月光还是霞光的光线，斜斜的穿过纱窗，投影在墙壁墙角上，满屋子的清冷，感觉别样的凄寒.我如那孤翁独钓寒江雪，万径无人天地间.

心已荒芜，在红尘里沾染了一身的尘埃.蒙住了本已迷惑的双眼.我无法看清远方的路，也无法看透自己的心.我究竟在寻觅些什么，又在等待着什么，什么是我期望的拥有，什么又是我乞讨的结果.黑夜里，我紧紧的抓紧双手.期图抓住岁月的分分秒秒，幻想拥抱世界，得到梦想中所有的一切.可伸开的手，干干净净的一如初生的婴儿，连一滴尘粒都没有.
孤独的活在这世界上，没人注意我的存在，也无人在意我的眼眸深处隐藏的寂寞.那日里我落寞的走过繁华的街头，无一人对我张望，我也不在意那些陌生的眼光，我是你的路人，你是我的过客.真想就此挥挥手，和你们，和这世界道别，只余下一个孤独的背影，让那些熟悉或不熟悉的人儿，会为我伤一次心，或流一滴泪.

我的寂寞你懂吗 ?
别说你不知道.

2011-05-21T07:48:00.000-07:00

二十岁，一个尴尬的年龄

一个一无所有却自命清高的年龄。
当我们吃父母的、喝父母的、花父母的血汗时，却还在为自己所谓的面子大摆宴席、招朋待友，为哥们的生日礼物不惜重金，为取悦男（女）朋友挖空心思的为此掏空腰包，想想，都花了二十年了，有自己赚的钱吗？

二十岁，你有什么？
青春？终究会成为回忆。
知识？太浅薄了。
美貌？换来的更多的是虚伪的感情与利益。
时间？这样想的人差不多都在挥霍时间。
爱情？那是一辈子的事，现在拥有的真实吗。
除了父母给的，还有什么值得我们去骄傲、炫耀？
在别人面前我们什么都不是，这很现实。
不要以为自己有多么了不起，在社会中，你连棵草都不是。
清高，抵得上一份工作吗？能让你吃好、喝好、住好吗？
不要以为端盘子洗碗、站超市、打扫卫生天生就不是你干的事，不要以为你天生就是拯救世界的料儿，日子是过出来的，不是想出来的。

二十岁了，该现实点了，放下清高的架子，折断幻想的翅膀，才会走的更精彩

二十岁，一个充满理想却过于富于幻想的年龄。
成功是经历了比别人更多的努力、付出、毅力、痛苦与艰辛后得到的，不是能幻想出来的。
即使天上有掉陷饼的事也不会砸到整天幻想的人
二十岁，一个涉世不深却自谓看透一切的年龄。
我们常常讽刺社会的肮脏、丑陋、腐败，自以为很纯洁，就浅薄的说出活在这样的世界很无奈的话。
热爱生命，不要只是处在大学的象塔中才说出这样的话，在当我们经历了社会的各种不纯洁时也要能说出这样的话。

二十岁，在大学中你看到的连社会中的一个角都抵不上。要想真正的看透人生，等你闭眼的那一刻才是看透了，好好活着才有看破红尘的一天。

二十岁，一个美好却又短暂的年龄。

这个时期是你精力最充沛、心灵最美好的季节，不要把它浪费在赚人眼泪的偶像剧中，你永远不会成为其中的女主角，不要梦想着一见钟情的遇到你的白马王子，这样的可能性比地球明天就灭亡的可能性还小。
有时间背起行囊出去走走吧，二十岁你看到的一切绝对和你以后在公司筹划的旅游中看到的不一样，看看外面的世界，别只是装到相册中，要装进心里。
多把眼球从电脑上挪开点，外面的世界更精彩，亲眼看到和在网上浏览是两码事。
“宅人”的生活会让人丧失生存的价值，趁现在多出去看看，好给以后老了走不动了留下回忆的东西呀。

二十岁，一个简单却又复杂的年龄。
不要过多的纠缠于过去的事，记住，真正的忘记不需要刻意。
无论是多么难以忘记的感情，不属于你了就不要使劲去强掰回来，强扭的瓜不甜，真理。

二十岁，不一定活的精彩，但千万要活的有自尊。尊严不值得为单纯的感情买单！
到了二十岁，就要找到除了爱情能使你双脚坚强的站立在这个大地上的东西！

二十岁，一个长大却没成熟的年龄。
这个时间，除了父母，没人认为你还只是一个孩子，没人会迁就你的错误，学会承担一切，你会发现那比一味的逃避强的多！

二十岁，需要用心去成长！

2011-04-19T15:29:00.000-07:00

I start to have my lunch quietly.
I start to went for a movie by myself.
I start to walk along the street, by looking other people's way of life.

Enjoy going malls, buy stuff using credit, without negotiations.
Enjoy to chill at coffee shop, ignore everyone that's around me.
Enjoy having exercises in gym, when someone near me, i just walk away.
Enjoy reading the books in book store, and go home without buying my favourite book.

The city is big, it can accept any weird attitudes or the way that I live...
Hmm, maybe I just been ignored... I suppose..

Everyone is very busy on their own life, they claim that being passive is the way to treat privacy.
'Is ok, I'm fine, Is normal, that's good,' The words that they usually said.

People who always tell their difficulties that they faced to me, and they just turn back and continue their life. I am a very good listener, but sometimes I just act that I am listening.

Living in this big world, a big city, but I was living on myself, alone.
Friends around me aren't little, but there is no one there for me, and i choose to be silenced.
The best restaurant in town, the foods that served in the menu is not that bad, it just felt that I miss something out.
News, locally and globally, slowly I miss out everything.

Things in my room is getting many, but there is none that I want.
Places that I've been through, but no much memories about it.
New friends I have, Old friends I've lost.
Things i need to and must do, is getting heavier.
But the things that I really want to do, is getting lesser..

I used to have the desire to save money, to buy things that I've been hope for.
I used to bored on mum's nagging, but now I'm bored of freedom.
I used to dream the things that I want to do, but now i wonder how much time i need to realistic them.
I used to sleep according to time, but now I sleep whenever I want to.

Is been awhile,
where I look up high to the sky,
where I look at the flowers beside the road,
where I start emo because I think of her,
where I start to complain about my parents.

Lazy to change,
lazy to care about,
lazy to take the first step.

Hmm, Me,
I was matured in this kind of way.
How about you?

请不要说我变

2011-03-23T09:58:00.000-07:00

我是，黄承尉，
我没变。

只不过懂得了，别人怎样对我、我就该怎样去对待别人。
只是明白了，这个世界怎么转，我的未来怎么来。

不说话不代表我变，更不代表我对你没话题。
不对你微笑不代表我变，更不代表我讨厌你。

我只喜欢，静静待在家，
那是因为我有我自己的心事，
说出来，你也不明白。

每个充满笑脸的人，
背后一定有不可见人的伤痕。
只是大家明白，说出来，
也无补于事。

刻意的伪装，
有谁不会？
我所能承受的，又有能谁懂？
我无处诉说、谁又能体会，我此刻的心情。

在烟消失的那一瞬间，
好像让我忘记、所有的烦恼。

我不喜欢解释，我不喜欢纠缠不清，
是因为我觉得那是多余的。
有时候解释的越多、反而觉得更没意义。
一切顺其自然。
很多时候、宁愿被误会，也不愿去解释。

是就是是，
不是就是不是。

我不是变了、而是因为种种的原因。
太多的无奈，太多的失望，
我真的很委屈、也很寂寞。

生活的所迫，我必须得承受。
没资格去反抗，因为我没有能力。
只能用脸上的笑容，来掩饰内心的脆弱。

在没弄清楚我有没有变之前，
必须得用心去了解，
而不是凭一句 ‘你变了’ 来断定。

一个人是否真的有变化，
我讨厌 ‘你变了’ 这个词，
对我而言、它有点恐怖，因为我害怕。

一个人执着、会因为改变两个字，而伤害了另一个人。
我一直没变、因为我的性格就是这样。
你是不可能了解我，
因为我自己也不了解自己。

P/S:信与不信，就在於伱。

2011-03-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

Smoking,
is bad...
The health already won the whole topic.

But does we consider the other part?
View the way of smoking in a different angle...

There was a few post below that i post for smoking.
Yes, majority, people smoke for fun, or just they are addicted to it.

But mine had become too easy,
I felt the pain in my heart every smoke i exhale...

Back to 10 years, I'm already a weird kid that doesn't know how to cry.
The way of dropping the tears had become more mystery to me.
How does it felt?
Relieve?

Finding other stuff to avoid the emo feelings that flood in my heart?
I can tell you the smoking way is much more better.

For every single smoke i exhale,
the pain, the loneliness,
they come back and go away so easily.

I'm not a smoker that had addicted to cigarettes,
I'm just a 20 years old teenager,
blowing every single breath in my life,
by having the scars all over my back...

Is this had become too much for a people like me?

2011-03-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

This is the 1st post that done in MELAKA, well... Life here is too peaceful to me, I wonder it always been and I've just noticed now.

MMU, Money-making University, this was the friends here told me. But so far I haven seen any debit note flying around me :)

MMU is kinda similar if compared to TARC, huge, close with nature.. And not about the gurls or boys part... It seems that the best one never comes out from class, or their break time with mine doesn't crash x)

Life here is too simple, classes for 4 hours per day, swim eat facebook sleep, then one day passes. Does the life here had become too simple if compared to KL, or just I don't have the reason to being emo anymore?

The subjects for this short SEM had become weird to me, computer system & applications, and business management & entrepreneurship.

The teacher in the computer system, I have no comment, open slide, read through the whole thing, ask stupid questions that even her herself don't know the answer, and call us back to find it.

The Sir in entrepreneurship, OH GOD, today he call us went out of the class, do business with only RM1 modal. This was our tutorial lesson i suppose, getting the face paint like red indian, and holding a piece of dollar note, creating business opportunities and WOW.. :))

Then the profit that gained through the whole class was added together and get the reward, mee goreng with mata kerbau and a sirap for 51 students, imagine how much we all earned.

P/S : Next post, the reason of me getting to smoke, not addicted, just SMOKE!

GROWN UP

2011-02-26T08:14:00.000-08:00

This month would be a terrible month for me, as the stress getting packed up until the breath of mine is slowing down.

The twist of this month, had make me more clear on things that I've been confused for some time.

The relationship of mine with mum, we had became more tense due to the results i get. Yes, i hardly accept myself, the sorrow that come from no where, stuck at my tear glands. This is the first time i cry with my heart.

Somehow, i manage to get through this, i noticed where went wrong, where should be corrected, then here it is. The time for me to grown up and stop running for the shadow of my past

My family background problems had always bothering me, they already chill out my heart where you were think of ice when u touch my heart. Is not the way i want to be, is the way i can't be. I don't know, it is a surprise that i'm able to live till today, and not ending up on newspapers headline.

And i will continue to encounter every single challenge in my life, and it would believe that i will able to make it... Wish me luck for the readers that read this post.

The second thing was, the feeling i have through a girl named MeiYan. We settled down and we can only be friends.

Why i'm not surprise? Maybe When i tossed the coin to guess head and tail, The one little sec, I already found out the ending.

I will miss her, but, how can i hope much more from love, you blind cupid!?

We will be friends :)
Yea, We will..
And lets me wish we will get what we want in future, and it would be very smooth! :D

IT SEEMS THAT MY DECISION THAT I DECIDE TO STUDY AT MELAKA IS NOT A BAD THING, IT IS TIME TO SETTLED DOWN AND PLAN FOR THE FUTURE

P/S : How strong would be for man to understand much in a single night? Thanks to 'shisha'.. :)

It just another day of a new life

2011-02-04T08:22:00.000-08:00

A Happy Chinese New Year To Everyone!

It was like... Yesterday was 2010 Chinese New Year, and today is 2011 Chinese New Year. Time pass too fast where I haven blink my eye.

This blog, is the place i would only spread my shyt everywhere... So is an apologise from me...

Before new year 2011, I received my A-level result. The result, makes me speechless. I changed everything, the format of writing, the way to answer, yet, still, i still get UNGRADED for the three subject i take.

Can someone tell me what the fark is going on? Am I ain't put effort into? Or is I can't catch the point of getting marks in this examination. This had become the blockage on my path.

Being positive, I can't even forgive myself. I just want to jump from 21st floor and everything would be end... just like that...

I don't really care where hell would punish me. My self-esteem had been crushed till ashes to the ground. Too much dark where I can't see my way, the light that used to enlighten my path had vanish.

Where can i still run to?

I just want to die...

2011-01-27T08:44:00.000-08:00

EXHAUSTED!

2011-01-24T07:59:00.000-08:00

Just give a time break for me... I'm sick of these madness...

2011-01-11T19:35:00.000-08:00

When the moment we lighten our cigarette，we clearly understand that we don't need the mercy or care from other people. Some people just enjoy the moment where the smoke that they exhale, surround them. They're imagining that they are flying, enleash themselves from stress, be happy, just in an unhealthy way.

Yes, smoking can give a person felt like he was handicape, but sometimes, this kind of feel can be very beautiful. Most of the people claim that man smoke is just an excuse and useless, but no people understand what type of wound are they bearing.

Sometimes，man smokes, is just an expression that he is emo. By looking the smokes that dissapear in the thin air, the sorrow in their heart and mid, dissolve like it never exists..Emo, Bored, Unhappiness, these were the things that a man hope to dissapear with the smoke they exhale. Although is useless, but what I see, for people that lack of love, slacking around would be a beautiful way for them. Smoking is a type of breathing, sometimes people smoke because they felt alone in the middle of night, of maybe it just used to numb their brain, to temporary forget the unhappiness past.

Sometimes, smoking brings the feel of reality, that the person who smokes are exist in real. Man enjoy smoking to calm themselves. Smoke brings sober to certain people, enjoy the moment of smoking, where it able to bring light to darkness... Cigarette had become their companion, cause they would never abandon their 'master'.

One of the most terrifying thing that can happen to a man in this world, is being lonely... Smoking can sometimes brings manly to a man, and man smokes is the most lonely people among in his friends.

Lighten the cigarette, Burn the life of the smoker. I don't understand, why smokes something will be insert into feelings. By looking the smokes dissappear in thin air, by looking the cigaratee burn off abit by abit, it brings freedom. When people wanted to extend this kind of feeling, the cigaratee became shorter... Just like love, it sinks in the time with the ashes of cigaratee.

Sometimes smoking is just beacause of the feeling that you exhale something else than carbon dioxide... It was like, releasing the burden from your body... Smoking in the night, one by one, the life never ends... The tip of the cigaratee lighten the dark, shines the heart, causing the temporary dizzy into immortal...

What A Day!

2010-12-15T22:18:00.000-08:00

Helping My kuma's company that runs on tourism...

Learn a lot of things as,

1) Handling relationship between colleages :
- the way to speak
- the way to interact
- the way to maintain

2) Handling office's accounting in and out...

This been the worst part as my colleages keep explain on one simple accounting. Those papers in different color kills me... As i always skil the ACCT part when i study business A-level. X(

3)Understand the flow in the tourism business.

Visa application, ticket booking, hotel resevations.. It been a challenging job as a newbie like me... Althought had took most of the time to facebooking in the office, still, is was a great opportunity for me to gain experience as office workers.

Lets enter the real topic for this post! Haha!

As usual, i went Bank of China which is opposite MCA building to handle some China Visa application. But when the time i back to my office which is oppostite time square, I took a taxi..

This the funny part, previous both taxi rejected me because that time was rainning and time square is in jam. Based on the third taxi driver's face expression, I thought i would hold another taxi in the rainy day.

Then suddenly that driver's expression changed like weather when he stare on my face for few seconds... Owh, lengzai ah, masuk masuk... Timesquare? Sikit jam la tapi lengzai ok la...

Then he start to chit-chat with me, and I'm shock that he seems enjoy his work... Unlike other taxi's driver like i owe him my life.. LOL

Then suddenly the situation in the taxi tense out... He asked me to show him my left palm and start looking.. I thought it was a joke but when he say things that I can't deny... The things i din told anyone or blog it before...

'Hmm, you ah... Mau cari amoi susah, tapi jika dapat cari, mest kau dan amoi tu sangat baik sampai akhir... Pekerjaan jika kamu ambik business, kamu akan senag sikit dan boleh mencari wang besar. Tak percaya ke? :) Mesti percaya saya la, muka kau jika banding, muka kau tengok ada spirit sikit, mcam boss..

I can't deny that i still in love with her, yet i told myself to forget her half year ago... We doesn't talk much when we met, but i felt warm and comfortable with her... I think that taxi driver mention about hard in finding a partner is the part that i don't talk much to girls. I felt that is unnecessary if we don't share the same interest as friends, and even i think she is a friend of mine, I rather treat her as 'male' so that no rules and regulation that exsist between us... We can do what we want, talk what we want, thats a friend to me... :)

OK LA!!! Go back to work -,-

Blogging in the middle of my work time at office... Geng leh :) Chao!

2010-10-01T04:53:00.000-07:00

我已经3个月没再写部落格，
没什么，只是，我需要时间，
给自己静下来。
想想，自己应该做什么，
该忘记什么。

值得庆幸的是，我成功忘了她，
我不在等待她的讯息，
我不在看看她的面子书。
可是，她那笑容，
也成了我对她美好的回忆。

我忘了她，并不是我找到新目标，
而是我领悟，感情，并不像想象中那么容易经营。

当你对某人说，我爱你，
你已经对他人生，做出了承诺。
我并不是把爱情责任化。
但是，你是否想想，
你是在玩家家酒，还是寻找一个人，
可以不离不弃原来的自己，
分享快乐与伤悲？

友情与亲情，也是如此吧？
不管你做了什么，爸爸妈妈，
还是会原谅你~

转个头来，我并不遗憾，
我没做出的决定，
因为，
我发现，
没有人比我更爱我自己，
呵呵。 :)

告诉大家啦，我回来了，\(^o^)/~

2010-07-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

Ya you R right, 20/7 was my birthday.

Maybe the impact due to parent divorce had hit me hard. I became a person who less social, more to myself, in a corner. Yet, after a few years to adopt, I still have those negative attitudes that been created when i was a kid.

As usual, 12am 20/7/2010, i sit there, close my eyes, imagined a birthday cake in front me. Telling myself, chengway, happy birthday.. Maybe u think I'm insane but... That was the most sincere wish for myself.

Great, my so called 'father' didn't told anything. He was like disappear in this thin air. Then I noticed that, he already disappear in my life. I live 11years without a father. Yet, I still grown like other normal kids do.

I don't see the role of a father in my life, but, I start to educate myself with fathernal skill so that my future babies won't felt the same way i do. I wonder why, a day that should be celebrate, had end up with a ironi song.

P/S: I'm forever 18! BLEK~ X)

2010-07-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

Curious of the reason for why I didnt blog?

Not because of gaming...

Not because out of topics...

Not because of laziness...

I just...

Don't want to...

2010-06-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes,

I love to be alone when I have a moody mode.

I noticed that there is no one understand me, just speechless.

I noticed the world doesn't agree the things that I believe.

Sometimes,

I just want to run away from reality, find a place that suits my lifestyle.

By hearding people told me, Chengway, you had changed a lot. I start to be a thinker again.

I hope the time would wait for me, to give me chance to do the things that I wanted.

Sometimes,

I hide myself from the world, healing my wound quietly.

I want to cry with tears dropping, but my tear nervous are not working.

I want to have a nice sleep in a lonely night, but I just can't.

Sometimes,

I passed through some familiar places, I saw some familiar shadow, I remembered someone.

I have a lot of things to tell people, but I don't know where to start.

I thought I'm the superman, in a blink of an eye, I'm nothing.

Just back from MCD with friends, having fifa match.
Now is 5.20am, I can't sleep.
Sometimes, we do things that we wouldn't do at all.
Maybe shout loudly or being crazy for the moment,
release the stress and the exhausting from our heart.

Through singing, I will remembered of somone.
But she will never know I'm waiting for her.
Being a happy person in front of everyone,
You are Such a OPTIMISTIC and CRAZY person! :)
Even though you are sad, you faced problem.
Sudden, I felt I'm grown up man.

Struggled in my own memory, I just can't out of this box.
Looking the clock ticks everytime, but I can't do nothing to stop it.
Somtimes I wonder myself of thinking too much,
why don't I just do it?

I lose myself,
I'm so different in home and outside the world.
Being happy in front of friends, doesn't want them to worried.
Being strong in front of family, prove that I'm the spirit of the family.

I always tell people,
I'M FINE.
However sometimes is a lie,
but it can bring a happy me to everyone's memory,
thats how they know me.

P/S : Sometimes... Do you miss something?

2010-06-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

When I heard that Pudu jail had to been demolish...
Frankly I was quite disappointed of the actions of the government.

One of the minister claim that Pudu jail is not a place for us to proud of, it will be demolish. And the land will be built with 30% of houses and 70% of offices and sky scrappers.

What's his meaning of "A place that we shouldn't proud for" ? Does it shame the people now just the absence of a abandoned jail? If true, why don't he try to put effort in get rid of crimes in our current country?

Everyone had their past, but not many people dare to faced it. Most of the people had ran from me when they know where I'm from, who am I. But do those past really disgrace you people?

Jail is a place to lock down criminals, a place to bring death sentences. Then should it be disgrace by just having criminals in a country? Can you tell me which city like Kuala Lumpur will not have any crimes?

In the matter of fact, Pudu jail had become one of the place for the attraction of tourism. Why? They felt that there is a place to understand the culture of Malaysia of handling criminals in the olden days. The slogans that painted on the Pudu jail wall had become a warning to all the people who passed aside.

Yes, unhappy past should be forgotten. But should us forget where we came from? 115 years of building doesn't consider as historical building? I wonder when they gonna take down KLCC and KL tower to replace with a high building?

P/S: My power is too limit... Who gonna let them know that they have done the wrong thing?

2010-06-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

When I miss you，I will look through my handphone，see whether you send me messages. But I know, the chance is nearly impossible.

When I miss you, I will type a numbers of messages with my handphone. But I don't hav the courage to press the button SEND, I afraid that it will bother you.

When I miss you, I will recall the conversation we had. No matter what it is about, I felt the sweetness like chocolate in my heart.

When i miss you, I will look to a very far place and stunned. Although I don't know what I'm thinking.

When I miss you, I will ask myself, do you miss me too? It doesn't matter if only for few seconds.

When I miss you, even night I will dream of you. But when I want to talk to you, I wake up by no means.

When I miss you, I will take a deap breath. Take in the warm air, to fill the part of my heart that misses you.

When I miss you, I will sing, and I hope you really heard it.

When I miss you, I will look myself in the mirror, wondering that I'm a guy that suits you.

You think that you need the safety and warm that I can't give you.

You may think of I'm just another guy that playing around feelings like toys.

You may think of, me and you, are just normal friends, nothing else more than that.

Maybe the things that you need now is not the love from another person.

I do think, that I'm addicted. I can't control myself from thinking you.

I don't believe the exsist of GOD, but I still pray to GOD.

Hoping there was the chance that I will met you again.

No matter how short it was, I wish to look at you again.

Please do, give me some time, to study the beauty smile you have.

Others may think I'm a stupid guy,

close myself in warpped box,

unable to tell you,

that I really miss you.

I was afraid,

When I do,

You ran away.

If you do ran...

I will lose you forever.

2010-06-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

One week holiday had passed, left one more week to come...

After my AS examination, I start to worried. About the effort I'm putting in, are they enough? Are the results able to give enough satisfaction for my parents? The purpose of studying A-Level is fading... I want to learn everything but not anything! Degree is gonna start next year and yet, I can't make up my mind! :(

That day my mum ask the doctor that used to come our house to 'needle' her leg. Acupuncture in English :X My mum is kinda worried about my problem and ask whether there is any traditional way to help me to accounter the future of problems I gonna faced.

For what I know, a human spine connects every single part of our body. I'm talking about organs, and so on... As spine curves, it will bring affect to the part of the organs it connect to. It also compress the organ and the consequences I think you guys would know better than me... :)

The doctor's answer didn't brings me down. Haha, I know I won't be dieing in a young age or in a ugly way, cause I believe there is more suffer that I gonna faced myself. I really my mum giving some stupid advice but she don't know the pain that I'm facing. Sometimes things had to be handle alone, there is no one understand you besides yourself.

No matter what happens, I'm still a normal people right? Yet, I'm still better in certain things than others :X
Gods, Doctors, doesn't exist in my world. However, I love myself and you all :)

P/S: I love you, you know? :'(

2010-06-02T06:37:00.000-07:00

　

Looking for someone that loves you, willing to change his/her character because of you；Because of you, he/she made your interest into him/herself
　 Don't ask the reason why he/she loves you, because there is no reason to love someone.

　　But the matter of fact，
There always been a person that understands you,
Helps you, take care of you.
A person who really love you, doesn't prove through promises or words, is through action.
If there is people around you, please appreaciate their appearance.
　　
Love is the thing which makes people blind,
They always thought of treating their loves one well,
One day they may noticed, one day they may understand.

　　Human's heart are made from fragile glasses，there is a reason why I doesn't speak of my feelings.
But one day the hope is vanish, for sure, sadness would not be easy to overcome.
However, if there's a person who take actions,
We may regret for what we haven done last time.

　　The stars that unable to be pick, are always the brightest,
The small fish that slipped away, is always the cutest,
The movie that we missed, is always been the best ones,
The person that love me, had been always known me well.

　　In this world,
everyone of us had a person that we seeks for.
But when we missed, we may not get that person back.

So for love, please don't forgot any chances you have,
A sudden headbump may make you regret for some time,
Coward may let you regret forever.

People would never pass through the valley of love,
their live is incomplete.
Love can makes one become wiser,
to attain another love there is more stronger bond it had

Maybe fate send you here, I'll miss it.
There will be no U-turn,
I should for that time...
I should....
For that time...

But no matter how loud I shout for you,
you doesn't look back...
So, please do apperciate for what you have...

P/S: The love I'm talking is a whole concept,
Friends, Family, Lover,
So do, think about what I wrote here.
And so sorry to make the readers of this blog became Emo for a moment...

2010-05-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

2 weeks before, I told myself I will forget about you.
2 weeks later, I accidentally mis-saw you and another one's blog. Same name, same year, different person. I noticed that I still can't.
I need more time... As my drug... To forget you...

I was given a promise to myself to find my future. Yet, it is hard more to do in action.

Future, seems mystery to me... It is more difficult to understand what a woman thinks. Studied whole day, I really lost myself in pile of papers. Spirit grows within me, gave me the courage to continue...

It will look ugly when the AS examination is over... Like my friend say, www.GG.com.

P/S: Rather keep it short today... Heart pain.. haha =D

2010-05-19T10:03:00.000-07:00

My heart cracked again.

I had tried my best to be a optimistic guy. But I can't. I couldn't know what my sir name really are... I can't have a perfect family any more... I just can't...

When my parents divorce, I noticed that he won't not come back. The shadow had been the last memory about my own father. He come visits us once a while. Yes, he's still the same guy he was, but I know that he wasn't my father anymore. Everytime I saw how good my friends' father treated them.... I would have cried if I'm wasn't that strong. When there is no love, vengeance will take place. I hate him, I hate he drive me into this... No matter how sorry he was, it just too late...

I know my mum had tired her best to play father and mother role... Yes, she's invincible. I love her although I talk nothing. She teaches me a lot of things and I'm grateful to have a mum like that. But frankly, I need a real father. Hahaha, maybe this would be one of the things that is impossible.. =) I miss the days that I have... A complete family...

In day, I tried to overcome my sadness with craziness and happiness. Yet, today I just finished my examination and even have dinner with my friends. I try to avoid sensitive topic whenever I have my conversation with people.

P/S: This is the first time ever I blog without looking the screen... Maybe this is the thing I wanted most...

2010-05-18T09:30:00.000-07:00

Tired of waiting for everything...

Left 6 months to finished my A-levels, And still got a long way journey in my life.
I start to planned for what should I've achieved in my future, it is not easy as making sand castle in the beach.

I'm not afraid in taking any challenges but what I'm afraid of is my confidence and my own will power. Maybe what I need is recognition from others... Maybe I need someone to told me I'm invincible as I used to be. The more the things I can do, The more weakness I found within me. I start to question my capability of being a special human.

What is the point you drink alcohol since you can't drunk? What is the point of lieing to myself since I'm awake?

These few weeks really awaken me from sleep. Set off my mind and understand a human like me. I noticed that Blogging were the only place I could be myself. No crapping, No hidding. Although I have friends to talk to, but I do really appreciate those great moments with them.

Because I myself understand, when my hearts opened for someone... They will just close it for me... Hey, it seems that the only person can understand you is You yourself right? =)

Things are getting clear, and I won't waste time on those things that not gonna happen... May the time pass faster, I really hoping to see the future I'm holding.

P/S: Rather peaceful mind I have today... =)

2010-05-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

Time passes too FAST!

It had been a long time that I haven updated this blog due to my ASs examination. I took some deep breath and look through those thick books. In the count of 10, you would saw me sleeping on books and notes.

As usual, I do things that I usually do...
Nothing much happened due to 150% concentration in AS examination...

P/S: Boring... I hate you....

2010-04-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

Again, my bros BURN something in school.

Their naive had caused them into this trouble.

I tried my best to help, as a brother, am i a failure?
I taught them things to do and yet, their childishness had brought them to a whole new level. Everyone is disappointed with them and I can see the face of being bully from them. Too bad I cant do more to help them through their tiny heart.

But something I had to admit, they are far way better than me. They can be gangsters in school in just 4 months! I'm speechless!

To readers of this blog,
Use your mind dude, if you really know me in reality, you will noticed I'm different in blog and in the outside world. Fuck you guys that categorized my posts are emo!

It is way fucking better to write here than telling all the shit to you!

P/S: Now I know I'm not capable on solving everything... Down... =(

2010-04-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

Dark is everywhere but there is still love and light in it -George Caskins

A guy,
saw his own father kill her mum at 9yrs old.
According to police,
he sat beside her mum's dead corpse over 24 hours.

He start to lose control of himself as he grew older.
He start to kill, until he met a boy.
Which is blind.

Bad guy always die at the end of the movie,
You should ever wish you're dead,
That guy didnt kill you because you're special.
You help me see, forgive me.

You help me see...
Guide me, brings me to a higher level in my life...
Help me...

P/S: Rather short today...

2010-04-19T19:03:00.000-07:00

This is a story that I want to talk about...
Thanks to Mr.Lonely for this story..

刚恋爱时，他和她都很狂热，一日不见如隔三秋。有一天晚上她失眠，忽然非常想念他。已经是午夜了，她猜想这会儿他一定睡得正香，却还是忍不住拨了他的手机。没想到，电话通了，那端正是他清醒的声音：“宝宝你怎么了？是不是又失眠了？”她惊异地问：“你晚上怎么不关机啊？”他笑着说： “我怕关了机，你想我的时候找不着我啊！”
　　后来，两人分手了，她很快有了新的男友。新男友帅气洒脱，对她呵护备至，她很满足，常常幸福地笑倒在他的怀里。只有一点缺憾，她常常找不到他，他的手机通常都处于关机状态。她埋怨他：“你怎么总是关机啊！”他振振有辞： “关了机可以不被约束，如今关机也是时尚，谁还傻瓜一样 24小时开着手机啊。”他和她约会时，也总是先把手机关了，说是怕别人打扰他们的幸福。直到有一天，她意外地发现，他背着她还和另外一个女孩儿来往着。
　　她一下子找到了他关机的理由。
　　再次分手后，她的心情坏到了极点，夜里常常失眠，不断地做噩梦。有一次被噩梦惊醒后，惊悸和恐惧逼得她无处可逃，情急中她打了他的手机，电话那一端是冰冷的声音：“对不起，你所拨叫的用户已关机。”她的心冻成了一块冰，无措中忽然想到了最初的男友，下意识地就拨了那个已经被尘封了的号码。电话通了，她只轻轻地“喂”了一声，他关切的话语便从话筒的那端传过来：“宝宝是你啊，怎么了？又失眠了？”
　　她没有说话，泪却流了出来。她听到他在那端着急地问： “宝宝你别哭啊，到底怎么了？是不是做噩梦害怕了？不怕不怕，有我在呢！”
　　她哽咽着问：“你怎么不关机呢？”
　　他说：“我怕你想找我的时候找不到我啊。”
　　仍然是那样，她的心被这一句话轻轻打动。
　　只有怀着最深的爱，才能为你时时守候。就像此刻，这深深的夜里，那个为你开着的手机，承载的是一份随时随地的守候和企盼；而那个为你开着手机的人，才是你生命深处最真的爱啊..

English version:

Their relationship was just starting to bloom to beautiful roses. They always spent time together where they will die if they didn't met each other. But one night, the girl facing insomia, then she called him. She expected where the boy had slept and she will be alone in the night. But surprisingly, the boy answered. She question the boy why he didn't switch off his phone so that no one would disturb him. But he said, If I switch off my phone, how to you find me when you need me?

For sure, there were competition. They broke up and the girl had a new boyfriend. This new boyfriend is tall, handsome, almost perfect in every sense of his. He even switch off the phone when they were having romantic dinner so that no one could disturb them. But his only problem, was her new boyfriend always switch off the phone when night. Sooner or later, the girl found out that he always went out and firlting with other girls.

They broke up. She cried, she suddenly felt the night is so silent. She start to get bad dreams and insomia. She always get scared by those bad dreams and woke up. When she want to call her X-boyfriend, it was the same. It still... Off... Suddenly she think of her first boyfriend that treated her well, she took up a courage and called him. Wei, is u? Insomia again? Never mind, I'll be there for you. Bad dreams? Got me, is nothing... Don't cried.

P/S: I always wonder why there was nothing like a perfect love out there. Where both of them would really love each other. It always been the playboy's fault or playgirl's fault in a relatonship nowadays. Now i start to question myself, is it worthy to wait for someone that would probably have no feeling at you at all?

2010-04-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

Too many paths to take until YOU get lose in a mist

From kid, around 3, I'm always believe in light. I'm able to imagine a piece of white paper when I close my eyes. Ultraman, Sailormoon, Mask Ryders, these were my favourite TV programmes. I swear to be a policeman in school when I was 7, yet, I'm the smallest size in the class. I believe that justice will always win and the evil is always lost.

Everything changed when I was 8, peoples I love left me one by one. This situation getting worsen until I reach form 1. No people that are willing to help me out of this madness. I've turn to someone even me myself, don't really understand who am I.

I start to find a path, where I can seek back the things that I want. But everytime I choose the right path, it always lead me to another crossroads. And I've to choose again. Even sometimes, I had to wait till the mist gone, and I can make a clear decisions on which way I got to go.

My decisions are wrong after all, I should stick what I believe when I was a kid. But things happened that would change our perspective, and so do our thinking and actions. So, we still need to caught in the mist once a while?

P/S: I noticed that I have insomnia. I find out why and lets rocks in this blog~ =D

2010-04-13T05:22:00.000-07:00

Today staying home, laying down, chilling.
Playing with the TV remote, the house is very quiet...

Rain comes and frozen my heart.
Standing beside and counting the rain drops that hit my mum's favourite flower.
My mind emptied when the chill breeze blew on me.
Holding my handphone, I just want to call you, and say, Hi...

How are you lately?
The unstable weather, take care urself...
Study hard lo, but don't stress out yourself...

P/S: Time to study... What the hell =.=

2010-04-12T02:09:00.000-07:00

Memories

As emotional animal like us, there is no doubt that we have our own memories. No matter it is good or bad, we still enjoy to rewind that situation. Sometimes it gives us some lesson, where books would never taught of it.

Today was a peaceful evening where I'm alone in home. Searching for desk till cupboard, finding the memories that had been abandoned for a long time. Cleaning up the dusk, opening those little mooncake boxes.

When looking on those photos, I noticed that I miss a lot of great times. And I know that life wouldn't have a rewind button How nice if this year is 2008? I swear I would do better...

For my future, I have no choice but uses my skills, to influence and gain trust from people. When u gain something, you will lose something as well I've blocked the way where love come, now what matters is my future. I don't believe in humans, it takes time to understand them. Therefore, Love in my life is nearly impossible to built up.

What charm to a girl that can attract me to? Is easy, her smile. So far in my life, I only met 2... I wonder issit my head goes wrong? =D

But what to do?
I'm not handsome enough,
I'm not tall enough,
I'm not smart enough,

Amazing.... =.=
I'm so imperfect. I really love myself.

P/S: Okay, I hate these memories boxes =.= Bye~

2010-04-10T21:46:00.000-07:00

Nowadays people are compress on the value of moral. Being gentleman or a lady would be some sort of upgrade status in the society.

Yet, they like to teach people about the so called "polite" culture and they were proud with the teaching. They will just stare at you if you didn't follow them or even continue your style.

Well, if you know who am i, yes, I speak rudely. I speak what I think, I speak honestly. It is better that I told you that you're beautiful but you aren't. Of course, I made a lot of enemies and friends by my way of speaking. The word Fuck, Diu does it really slice off a piece of meat from you guys? If yes, I would really want to see how it slices ur flesh...

I look fierce when I didn't smile or concentrating on something. Do I look horror? =.= Blame my mum then... =)

I'm not interested in praising people, beside those people would really worthy. Why would people act as angle as they hate them?

P/S : No fuck to those mask riders! Say yes to freedom! =)

2010-04-10T08:36:00.000-07:00

Attended a weeding that I couldn't forget

It was my mum's friend's son's wedding.

A wedding between a Malaysian leng zai and a Japanese leng lui.

I didn't noticed that Love is virus where it can happen to anyone at any time.

Surprisingly, food is better than it used to be. You can taste the healthy flavour and Japan culture in those food.

But more, there is a bunch of japanese gurls. Too bad where my mum were there and I can't take picture with. Just shake hands and have a chit-chat... I love them... haha =)

P/S: Tired, but yet, is worthy... =D

2010-04-09T05:09:00.000-07:00

Welcome my new family member!

Mr.Lion

Okay~ I know, I'm still acting a kid or maybe a girl, still playing with dolls...
Cause I lost my kangaroo!

Haiz... maybe he jump bk to Australia jor...

Trial exam, what should i talk about it...
Amazing... I haven die yet =.=
One more month, if this kind of result continues till my AS examination,
Is the time i jump off from TARC library...

Is good when I were born in those war days,
maybe I can be some sort of strategist in war like CaoCao,
bringing chaos and become king to this world >.<

Argh~ Too much day dreaming... Is time to go to study! Lmao!

P/S: Fuck you! This term had become a daily quote in TARC, good term! =)

2010-04-07T04:47:00.000-07:00

I've been burn down after the trial exam breath the flame on me.

I wonder why my effort doesn't achieve the aim that I'm looking for.
The words, the sentences, the question marks...
One more month, another challenge is there. Last chance is there...
Fail is unforgivable... Only the road of success that I must cross.

Everything had came to settle down and yet, I'm still here, alone. I wonder is it right where Find a person that loves you is better to wait a person you love?

Pain, beh tahan >.<
My little kangEroo lost, I wonder how it did in Australia now?
Time to find another pet... But where can I buy?

P/S: No fuck No fuck No fuck >.<

2010-03-27T23:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a day where everyone is saving the mother earth.

Everyone around my neighbourhood had closed their light.

I was relieve, where everyone had that kind heart, helping the mother earth.

I walked out and have a walk around the neighbourhood.

As I walk deeper, a sudden darkness surround me.

I felt a sudden peace in my mind, after a stressful month because of A-level.

That previous month, it was a hard time. I studied, but I don't know what I'm reading at all. I understand, but I wonder why I forget when I was in that exam hall.

The darkness around me it was quiet, and it was like someone I know a long time ago, comfort me, walk with me, through out the dark alley.

Does my life would always be like this?

Pain and darkness are the ones who willing to accompany me...

Bless me for my As and A2 exam...

2010-03-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

2nd gathering, I wonder why so many gathering had been made.

Yet, some people were suppose to come but they didn't.

Friend told me around 4 times, not bad jor leh she, go la...

But I didn't answer him.

No doubt that I like her very much,
but do I have the courage to pick it up?

The failure of my father and the hypotisis from my sister,
I have 0 confidence in me.

Well, trial exam is coming. I Really hate it =.=

Its time to sleep, nite guys~

2010-03-15T09:14:00.000-07:00

A worse Holiday EVER!

Holiday, it should be fun. But for this year, it totally sucks from heaven till earth. Cause after this holiday it would be my A-level trial!

I go study ARGH~~ CHAO~ T.T

2010-03-13T20:24:00.000-08:00

I had it enough!

People start to think of I'm a rude person cause I always used harsh words in my conversation. Fuck you! This is not because I'm rude, this is because... I can't find any word to express my feelings. Talking to blog is the only thing I'm good with. Cause it will never disagree your opinions, it will not show emotions to you, cause it will not abandon you.

Get it? I'm talkative, you can have a conversation with me from heaven till earth, anything that we can discuss. But when it comes to personal's feelings expression, I stunned. People nowadays are getting hard to believed and I'm a chicken, no doubt. I really wonder how long that I didn't talk polite in front of my friends... I wonder how long~

When people read my blog, most of them ran away. I'm really curious. Did the lives you guys have are too fucking perfect or mine just to fucking emo? Useless humans that can't accept any failure? Fuck off~

I seldom talk about the things happen around me. Cause I'm afraid I will lose the friends of mine. That day when I talk about my family to HENG, he stunned. See what I mean? Do you think your life suck than me? Read my blog! Bastard But HENG is quite a nice friend, haha, at least he stunned. Then I stopped. If he start shooting questions, I really don't know how to answer.

Worst than today, I noticed a sudden pain when I'm cooking in kitchen. Some veins in my back and waist like miss-position, pain like hell when I touched it. I really want to take that kitchen knife and just end my pain immediately. I start to scared when I imagine the life I would have after 2 years. I really want to drop my tears and have a loud shout... But I'm afraid anyone would heard it... I'm getting to hate myself...

Exam coming, no mood to study. People are giving their heart to do every revision, and I'm still day-dreaming. That's for today, it is time to let my studies to dominate me, Bye~

P/S: No matter how hard u fell, you still need to stand up and face another showdown. Right?

2010-03-06T20:57:00.000-08:00

ThInGs tHAt CanNoT Be regRet

For sure, we had regret on something that we're unable to accomplish. For certain humans they had tried their best, to achieve a higher stage in her/his life. It brings a satisfaction that are able to bring our own self-actualisation or esteem to heaven... It is fun where we achieve something that no one can.

Do we tried to get something that we want? Do we tried to maintain the things we have?
It is quite important if you want to live happy. When there is an opportunity, we are give choice to make decision. There is no barrier or blockage that stops our decision. As Celcom's slogan, power is in your hand Carefully making decision where it may change our life forever, cause and effect. But be quick, time waits for no men.

I'm start to confused on which direction I should go now. I'm in the middle of cross roads. Sometimes I really hope that I can stand in the middle and avoid doing decision. I'm scared to take the 1st step and I'm the person that unable to accept failure in my life.

An wise adult told me before, Chengway, your greatest weakness is your feelings. Don't let feelings blind you when you're doing important decision. You are ability to lead and change people and in the same time, you would fail and lose to your own feelings.

I'm a talkative person, I enjoy the moment giving speech in front of crowds, I like to draw attention with my talking skills. But I don't have the ability to tell people's about my feelings. Blogging had become my way to express my feelings. Maybe a person like me, are only able to use words to express my feelings.

P/S: This is a blog where you can see the other side of me. At last, Chengway is an ordinary person. =)

2010-03-04T15:13:00.000-08:00

For few days I didn't update this blog. Yes, for some problems, and it is also a time for me to rethink that the things that I had did and the things I shall do.

Friends around me had found theirs 'Soul mate'. There is no doubt that I wish to have one but... There is still a lot things that I should do, but sometimes I really want to say out Would you be my girlfriend? Honestly, exam is coming by and guess what? I still have my degree to go on and my currey to start on. There is no more time for me to find a girlfriend or soul mate, no~ Here, I don't know whether you like me or not, it just another bastard here is loving you for quite a time. And you would have my blessing on you to find your own prince, bless you Mei Yan.

In college, I start to speak damn lot. Although I understand the subjects that I learnt, and I really sucks in examining. I really don't know that exam would really brings my nerve off, and make me forget everything that I learnt before. For sure, travel from and back to college is really tiring for me. But hey, there is still over 8months to go, hang on!

I noticed my anger management had getting slip off from my control, but luckilly it haven burst out and hurt other people... I really need fresh air for a moment before I start my studies...

Prepared for the worst or not...

P/S: I don't believe in good but hey.. God bless me... ^^

2010-02-23T05:10:00.000-08:00

Haiz~

Now I really want to know a solution that can solve this problem...

I really don't know the way to cover this up...

Maybe this is the time I give up on him?

Or give up on her?

I'm getting to hate this family...

I really don't know what to do, when to do, how to do...

Maybe President Obama is right,

Sometimes war is necessary to maintain peace...

P/S: Stun, Slow, Frost, Silence.

2010-02-21T00:29:00.000-08:00

FaceBook Test,
Stun...
It reminds me of something...
And everything it predicted, is 150% true..
I'm damn scared now,
Even a lifeless facebook would understand me while I don't understand myself =(

Dear Ryouji ChengWay, below are your Personality Tests result:
Who is your true self: You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
Your view on yourself:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Other people find you very interesting
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : But you are really hiding your true self
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Your friends love you because you are a good listener
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are a true romantic
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : When you are in love
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You will do anything
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Everything to keep your love true
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person
The seriousness of your love:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : So you will find yourself with plenty of dates
Your views on education:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You listen to your own instincts
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Tend to follow your heart
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : So you will probably end up with an unusual job
The right job for you:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You're a practical person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Will choose a secure job with a steady income
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Knowing what you like to do is important
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Find a regular job doing just that
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You'll be set for life
How do you view success:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Success in your career is not the most important thing in life
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are content with what you have
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working
What are you most afraid of:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are concerned about your image
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : The way others see you
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : It's time for you to believe in who you are
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Not what you wear

P/S: Haiz~ Self-control~ >.<

2010-02-19T16:54:00.000-08:00

我不知如何告诉他们，
我不想他们为我而烦，
我也不想在他们面前假装。
我开始怀疑我是不是个男人，
我既然可以打扮好，
然后放飞机。
我也开始怀疑，写部落格，
会把我女性化。

永昌和桂冰的问题，
已经蔓延到我这来。
她的鲁莽，他的幼稚，
给我带来很大的麻烦。
人算不如天算，
我万万没算到既然有今天。
失策，失策！

桂冰，
哭也哭了，打也打了，骂也骂了，
现在能做什么？
后悔？
不好意思，没有U-TURN。

永昌，
吊也吊了，骂也骂了，烦也烦了，
现在能做什么？
担心？
早知如此，何必当初。

永昌的现任老婆，
我处处忍你，我是怕我失控。
我也发誓过，只要我在外面见到你，
我会活生生把你拔断。
可是，我万万没想到，
我遇到你的一天，
既然是大好新年。

你八成在永昌后面搞怪，
因为你怪他没保护你，
不过你错了。
如果当时他敢保护你，
而打桂冰，我会当场杀了你们两个。
永昌也有自知自名，
一个有武术底子，和疯狂的人，
是不好惹的。

既然，那天不是你的死期，
我放过你。你最好跟我乖乖做人，
别逼我把计划提早执行。

朋友们，
对不起，
我，已经到了无能的地步。
当然，我还会在大家面前扮回自己角色。
所以不用怕你们会惹到我，
能惹到我的人，
是少数人类吧了。
不过当我闷闷不乐的时候，
请原谅我的过错。

2010-02-16T07:05:00.000-08:00

An Unhappy CNY

I really don't have the mood to type. It just...

We went visit my aunt

My mum beat that woman

My aunt cries

My father mad

I

Really don't know what to do

I thought my plans would be perfect but I didn't expect

This thing would be ruin

But lucky enough

It just make it more smooth

P/S: Damn lot sms from my father... Who want to see how worse this problem gonna goes let me know.. =.=

2010-02-14T07:25:00.000-08:00

Chinese New Year, I wonder what people thinks about it? Is a starting of New Year or it just a celebration day for Chinese? Red had become one of the official color that represent a new year, it represents prosperity. Decorate everything in red, hoping the god of fortune will drop by and pay a visit. You will saw everyone on the street, praising each other, and temporary forget the sorrow. Gong xi fat cai, the most common sentence you can found in everywhere.

Before New Year, everyone is busying keeping their house clean from dust. You will saw mother screaming around due to the laziness of her children. Haha, maybe I’m describing my mum. I think she was the only one in this world. =) Maybe there is no maid in our house, keeping our home had become our part time job. Mother screaming and nagging, while me and my bros look at each other, shake our head, and continue to make the house as clean as possible. In fact, there is only a woman in my home, so, no girls would able to help her keep the house clean. I’ll promise you mum, sooner or later, I’ll find a girlfriend to help you… =)

After a long day hard work, its time for me to accept a little small reward, went Jusco. Had a dinner with full of fried chicken’s skins. I wonder where the KFC that I used to taste? After an unsatisfied dinner, I and leejian quickly went to cinema watch 花田喜事. I met her, long time didn’t saw her, and something changed about her. She had grown taller? I wonder is she grown taller? Wearing high heels? Or I’m shrinking... I thought Surety really books couple seat… This is why a person’s name will match a person attitude… She’s really a sweater… After half an hour movie, I could only say that it is a very lame movie ever.

After a long movie, went home and drive to BLUES BAR. Having only 4 jugs of beer then everyone start to telling what they will have when Valentine's day. Later on, we all went cyber café to stay overnight. Reach home at 4am, of course, my mum is shooting her machine gun. Amithabha…

P/S: I go sleep sin.. Chao~ =..)

2010-02-05T08:06:00.000-08:00

我一直以为我最大的遗憾是没和她在一起，可是认真想起来，还不是这个原因。

我最大的遗憾，
应该是我的名字吧~

我不姓黄，
却为一班姓黄的打拼。

我不叫承尉，
那应该是我哥的名字，
只可惜，
他没这个命。

我恨我妈，
先家去堕胎。
还敢告诉我，
黄承尉，
是大将军的意思。

我恨我爸，
抛弃我和妈。
让我成长在一个无父的家庭。
还被逼充当一个父亲，
保护弟弟。

我恨我亲戚，
在我和妈面临困难时抛弃我们。
反而，还帮白痴说话。
有难各自飞，
我不得不佩服。

我，
有今天，是拜你们所赐。
对，我是大将军。
我有翻天覆海的能力。
你们的好意，
我一定会好好报答。

不知是不是天意难改，
我，受到不公平的待遇。
也许上天要我和别人有所不同。

黄承尉，
我开始讨厌这个名字。
不知，朋友们，
会对这个名字，会有什么印象？
吵闹？三八？冷酷？

P/S：当事情要发生的时候，谁要挡也挡不住。

2010-02-02T05:31:00.000-08:00

These days I didn't blog. I'm in pain. I don't know why.

A sudden shock A permanent pain. Muscles around my thoracic vertebrae...
Like someone stab you with a fork.

Yet, I still hold on and act nothing in front of everyone. Celebrate Friends's birthday, joking around, It seems my spirit is unstoppable.

Lucky someone hit me in the back, relieve a small portion of pain from me.
I don't know what to say but to thanks her.

I really can't stand home anymore. I hate this world, I hate everyone, I hate myself...

Not fair, Why I'm the one should get this kind of physical disorder? Why I'm the one should get all the fucking problem from my family? I really don't fucking understand.

I'm sad now, but... I really don't know the way to cry. I don't know how to drop my tears. Pain.... I'm really in pain...

I can't imagine the life I will had for 5 more years... Pain+Pain? I really can't imagine that..

I don't know I had the courage to endure this pain anymore... I don't know I have the courage to tell people that I'm in pain, Fuck off. I love everyone, friends, family...

P/S: I want to cry but I can't. I want to talk to someone about this but I can't. Maybe writing in here, is the only thing I could do... Hopes it relieve my pain. Happy birthday to SAM and DD BOYS.. ^.^

2010-01-27T08:16:00.000-08:00

A sudden blank image in my mind that makes me lost when I'm in college.

Bored, the only word I can describe about my life in college. The first day I reach here, I thought it was time to make a change. To make new friends. But at last? All shown up will zero result. I didn't found what I'm looking for. Yet, I'm lost again.

I keep my mouth shut. I rather to sit alone. I rather enjoy the little quiet in a noisy canteen. But... Rather being awarded with the title of "anti-social" and "emo-shit", I had to act... Give them what they want, and fuck off immediately.

It can be describe as the neurons in the brain are unable to connect each other. My perspective towards life and interests are not the same with them. Observe their actions and act with a suitable reaction had become my habit.

Today, sitting alone at the park, doing my revision. I felt a sudden peace in the surroundings, like only I exists in this world. The strong wind blew away my problems temporary. The shades of trees had act as a paint for me...

So called 'Friends' in this college, I really don't know where I should categorised them to... Besides the people I known from primary secondary tuition, others I really don't know. I felt that they are rather to be normal than a maniac like me.

P/S: Am I being arrogant and selfish? Am I underestimated their abilities?

2010-01-26T08:05:00.000-08:00

Haiti earthquake... Everyone was shocked...
Beyond the picture, you barely imagine the damage dealt and the suffer had caused by this shocking earthquake..

Everyone is losing their love ones. Their hope is getting fade when the rescue team had announced the total death is increasing... Their hope was totally lost when the world announced that the searching for any survivors will be stop.

I thought that everyone in Haiti would help each other due to this natural disaster. It seems that I'm wrong. There are people who start to show their thirst on controlling the country, there are people who kills each other to get supply of food and medicine.

A local news that I couldn't found in any newspaper is that local Haiti policeman kill 2 local citizens for two pack of rices. Ok, lets make this clear enough.. Where is the swear they made? To protect the citizen when they're in trouble? Maintain peace on streets and country?

They willing to waste their bullets on innocent citizen than defending the country from criminals? Now I noticed moral values and laws are barely useless. No matter how moral S/He is, S/He will do anything it takes to make sure S/Himself survived.

It shows the shame of humanity, it is a shame for the world. Slow transportation, Slow delivery, Slow... There is no external factors that caused the slow supply to Haiti, it just human hearts that are lazy and barely move from their fucking chair.

Humans are made from evil and good. And you can stop telling me that I'm a good guy, yeah humans are made from both. But I will not show evil. Stop the crap!

I wonder when darkness drops by and see how's ya going. I wonder what you will do to protect yourself.. Do you scared death? Do you able to sacrifice for others when every one's in big trouble?

P/S: Disappointed on those reckless humans... Lets pray for Haiti's citizen... No matter what races and religion we are, we are humans in this world... There is no doubt for that..

2010-01-25T05:15:00.000-08:00

Bad Day...

I wonder what happened for this few weeks,I'm late to bed? O I had to much of thinking in my head? Too much drinking? O I study too much? =)

Before I slept, looking at the ceiling...

I wonder when I gonna die?
I wonder where my soul go after my dead?
I wonder where I came from?

I felt scared and terrified... The pain that I endurance for so long had become worsen... I really cant sleep well, I prefer small nap in class than long sleep on my bed... My bones like waiting the right time to shattered into pieces...

When I took up the courage and went to college, yes, having fun with everyone and get to enjoy the beauty for the college... =) LENGLUI + FRESH AIR + LENGZAI + NICE ENVIRONMENT But yet, I still felt that there was an emptiness in my heart... But I don't know what can fill in, I felt, empty... >.<

Looking those seniors checking their AS results, no eyes see.. >.<
They were so happy for their result... Good for them =)
Then how about me? =(
I really frustrated of looking at my fucking Indian Lecturer and Tutorial... I hate the boring explanation of my Econs teacher... I'm bored with Business teacher's joke... I'm mad on General paper's teacher attitude... I'm bored on everything.

Thinking of the expenses I will spent for this month.. >.<
Stress out~ Finding other happy things to think about.. Hmm~ Hav any? =.=

P/S: ARGH! STUDY STUDY STUDY!!! !@#!%!#^#@$!@$!^#$*$%*(%&@$!

2010-01-23T00:32:00.000-08:00

Without facebook profile's pictures and sms, I really don't know how's ya going.

Your sms may sometimes bring joy to me, and it remains for the whole day.

SWT, your favourite word,Haha~

I wonder when I met you, but I do really appreciate the time we had together. I miss the way you smile, I miss the cheesecake you made, I miss the shyness you had.

Time waits for no man We had our lives to go on, and only a little wish through a sms had warm my heart. Maybe I'm the only boy who understand you, but am I the one who you're looking for?

If you are looking for the reason why I love you? I don't know~ Your smile numb my muscles from moving, and it took my breath away. Love is like a virus, it can happen on anyone at any time.

But sometimes you're busy, I really freak off. That time I only realized that I love you doesn't means that I own you. Maybe sis Annie's theory influence me~ Don't dare to take actions >.< Maybe? Maybe not.. I don't know...

You're the only one that changed my life,
You're the only one who let me understand.
Maybe the only thing I repay you,
Is saying thankyou..

P/S: Thankyou =)

2010-01-21T00:55:00.000-08:00

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought hey
You know this could be something

'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true,
That I can't live without you
Well maybe two is better than one
There's so much time,
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two,
Is better than one

I remember every look upon your face,
The way you roll your eyes, the way you taste
You make it hard for breathing

'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
And finally now, we're leaving

And maybe it's true,
That I can't live without you
Well maybe two is better than one
There's so much time,
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two,
Is better than one

P/S: It's true, that I can't live without you. I'm thinking two, is better than one. But now ain't the time for two, I try to live with my own...

2010-01-20T06:06:00.000-08:00

This week, an unimaginable journey to go through...

Today is only 20 January... I thought it would be November or something else... =(

I still want to say, it is very boring T.T

Sien This word had become my part of my life, you may felt that I'm a boring person.

No choice~ Not my fault, Imagine this...

You early wake up 6am ready to college, 7.15 reached college. Class ends at 3pm or 4pm. Went home, go through traffic jam, then 4.30pm or 5pm reach home. This is my life from Monday till Friday ( Didn't counts extra classes on Saturday T.T )

One month, 20 days study, 2 days bar, 2 days futsal, 1 day hiking. Extra time? Sleep, Eat, Cook, Sit at laptop and let it watched me, Movie, Dreaming.

This is my life when my life in secondary schools ends...

So don't blame to being a lame/boring person... Because that's my life is now... I don't have any GF to accompany, my friends all studying ( Act only la Diuz), My families all busy on their things.... What is left to accompany me is my lousy handphone, and a laptop... T.T

P/S: Valentine's Day post gonna come... Can't wait it =)

2010-01-18T19:10:00.000-08:00

BOring life

I don't know what's going on nowadays...

Almost everyday 6am wake up, 7am reach college, 4pm finish class, 5pm reach home.
It is boring that I keep repeating it again and again...

No matter how much club I visited, how much hours I sat in front of the laptop...
Yet, I still bored~

Didn't have the mood to study... But the AS stress is coming by... T.T

Sms wit her, to pass on those stupid time...
FEB14 coming, first time celebrate with a single identity... I wonder how fun was it?

Searching for Uni to start another boring life...
3years degree... Again, life sucks now...

Form5 gathering is coming by, I wonder how others changed? =)
Now still don't know it will happened o not? =.-

At college, sux totally.. Left 4 guys sitting together and crapping here and there... Love monkeys sit aside had their own world... Luckily Dixon is cool enough to make jokes...

Watching those lecturer face really beh song... =.= Tried not to curse, but their faces really make me piss off... Study Study Study, does Malaysia education everything is about study listen memorize?

I hate college life, not challenging and it is fucking bored... Lets go Uni... =.= Better go UCSI teman her better... Sien...

P/S: !@%!@#$!@%!#!@@!%#^@#$!@# o0o

2010-01-17T06:13:00.000-08:00

My style, My life

Today, I question my own attitude.

I cant remember the name of those people that I know before. I really forget. But the problem is, they remember me. I felt sorry to them, they told me that they miss me a lot. But I really cant remember what their name is... =)

I always joke around and take something serious lightly, other people may always think of Chengway is a guy where like to joke and talk around and do nothing. But some may think of, Chengway you shit la, act like nothing happened but yet, you still can deliver the best presentation of the project.

People comment of my way of talking, When you telling the lie, you talk like it is really happen. When you tell the truth, you're like lying to me.

I didnt care people's feeling, I just do, what I think I should.
Do this hurt my friends indirectly? I dont know~ I had no idea whether my weather-like attitude will make friends or enemies?

And I always question myself, why I didn't find a girlfriend? I'm not the most handsome guy, but at least I'm better than some. I'm not the cleverest, but my IQ still defeats some. I'm not the tallest, but I'm not the shortest also. I'm not the richest, but my life still goes on normal.

I had a thousand of reasons why I don't seek one, but, do those reasons real? Or just another lie to myself?

P/S: Sometimes I really dont understand who am I, but I can sure for one thing, this is the time to study... Chao~

2010-01-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

I seek for the way for being a perfection in my life...

But one day, I realized that I'm wrong. There is no perfection...

Why?

If things had gone perfect, there is no way to improve...

If things had gone perfect, it is a shame to me...

If everything had gone perfect, then what was the meaning of being a human?

Some people may not like my attitude, but like I care? There are too many things that happened in this month, it is lucky that I'm still here. I don't have the time and mood to act the guy that you all likes...

How if you guys put your legs in my boots? I wonder how you guys gonna react in college later...
I'm not looking for people that understand me, just stand out of my way. And shut your mouth before you look in the mirror.

2010-01-10T03:19:00.000-08:00

Today morning 6am get ready, felt nervous to get back to a place, where I left one year ago...

Haha, this lengzai at last come back to help. Nice to see you back here. Look around, everything is still the same... But people around I really don't know who the fuck they are... No idea~

Saw that girl I had crush before, still the old same her... =) Good girl but had a very bad sister =( I didn't noticed that both of us were still single, but really hard to find a person that you can hold hands with... Someone that can make you happy, help you, accompany you... Honestly, I was relieved that I had a friend like her, felt more comfortable with her than staying at home... But everyone had their life to take care of... Jiayou in your SPM la~ Wahaha XD

Felt headache for the whole week, maybe too much anger had created and hurt myself at last~ COOLING DOWN~

P/S: Freaking Monday is tomorrow? =.- Wake up early again... Tired la~ o0o I hate monday and Sunday~ Yesterday and Today like I just pass like nothing~ Curse you Monday~ =(

2010-01-07T06:37:00.000-08:00

After the my fucking car involved in an accident, my explanation didn't seems right to everyone... I really don't understand...

My parents said that it was fine that you was still alive. Ei, don't think I'm stupid, I see through your eyes, don't lie.

What? I know, Rm1000 is not a small deal, but did I done anything wrong? I really don't understand.

My father came and drop by a while at night, he told me a lot of things. He is drunk and felt disappointed from the sound I heard. The car is my wife de, so hard to claim from insurance. No matter what happen, you will always be my son, right? I know you are a good son, don't felt sad for it.. It is nothing. Just study hard and that's enough for me.
I don't know what happened to me, I didn't dare to look in his eyes, I just look at the floor... The next thing I know he went home, then and only I got the courage to look at his back, disappearing in darkness again...

I know, the car is used by the BITCH before, but I'm so sorry to tell you that, I will kill her when I met her, no matter where I met her. I always trained myself to use anything that are able to hurt people, even my little pen would able to kill you off... And trust me, the only person that I would only hurt and kill is you, Qing Qing Fong? If I didn't mistaken about your name, your time of pleasure and being a human will end if you met me, I'm your angle of death...

Here, I'm sorry that I lied that I will not hurt or kill her. I know love is a virus, it can happen to anyone and anytime. I know, that's not their fault. But is because of them, I turn into a demon, I grown in hatred.

Law always help people who get hurts and punished people who hurt others. But how about this? I'm mentally hurt and no laws can help me? Beside counseling the victim? Does it enough? My patient is getting fade and fader... I really pray the time will come...

I will always be the elder son of this family, I will hold on the sir name that doesn't belong to me. But I will kill your wife, I'm sorry to tell you that. These years, I acts to cover up my hatred in my eyes, and mum, this is why almost every friends of yours will always said, It seems that your son had let it go, I didn't saw any hatred in his eyes anymore, and he looks more handsome and steady than he used to be.

Stupid humans, does you all heard before Silent lake is the most dangerous place to go? I seek for reasons, reasons to let this go, but after a few years of searching, I'm sorry, I did found any.

And you, Wong Yong Chong? I'll think of letting you go, since you sacrifice for this family so much... But her? I'm sorry, this problem will only settle when one of us die... I know where you two lives, I know where she work, where her parents live..

P/S: Sorry for disappointed anyone, but this is how lives go on... It doesn't matter that I'm a demon now, it doesn't matter that I will punished by laws, it doesn't matter I've been sent to hell... It doesn't matters anything, anywhere, anytime... Reason?

2010-01-06T05:01:00.000-08:00

Ooi Zhao Qian, does this ring a bell in your head? A seven years old girl writing her name.... With legs if you're asking... Born without arms, how unluckily she is?

Look at me, I didn't look weird in physical appearance, yet, I still complain about pain... As a 18years old teenagers, I really lose to a 7years old kid..

I lose to her because of one thing, that soul she has in her weak body. In a small body, there is a very strong soul that struggling out of her. This force, is the one that keep her alive, and it is changing her fate as well...

But me? I had turn my soul with the darkness, but what I get so far? Nothing but anger and pain... Today I suddenly felt a huge pain in my shoulder when I was in DK, lucky enough that I would able to hold on... See? I'm strong in mentally, but I'm weak in my soul... Haiz~

Life can be dignified, and it can also be petty and low. It will be different on how we treat our live as...

To try your best to create happiness and try your best to reduce the suffering on you. Looking at her, I saw the meaning of life means...

Ya, my car had accident. I didn't saw any reasons to be sorrow or to blame others, I saw a meaning of friendship in my very own life. I'm glad, I'm satisfy... Thanks to ahSiong who turn out when I need him, haha.. XD

P/S: I know revenge is nothing good but evil, but honestly, revenge is the only thing can set my soul free...

2010-01-04T06:37:00.000-08:00

Humans always had the power to choose, this is what I always believe.. And honestly, I'm confident for every decision i made... But this time... I'm totally confused...

Is it correct to choose to study A-levels?
Is it correct to let her go away?
Is it correct to choose hatred than forgiveness?

I really don't know, I'm confused~ I thought I were right when I make those decisions... But now, I really don't know... A part of me want to do this, and another part of me want to do the other way around....

I can gladly tell everyone that I had a huge problem. I'm stuck in my both personalities and I'm losing who I really am..
I loss control twice, and I scared I will lose control for the third time...

Those images keep coming fast through my mind when I close my eye. I heard a lot of noises, urging, praising when I close my ear and let my mind to had a peace...

Brother, you there? I really need help... I'm tired, I'm done with all of this... This world had too many laws that restrict me from doing a lot of things... Is not fair!!! IS NOT FAIR!!!

Why this would happen to me? I'm tired of choosing, I'm tired to being the only one... I want to share, but there is no one... I'm alone in dark, while no real angle that can help me...

All the quotes I read, all the stories I read, all the news I read, start to flashback in my mind over and over again... I'm dizzy... I really scared I would unleash the demon in me again, I scared I will lose control again...

P/S: I'm really scared, I'm really scared...

2010-01-01T01:33:00.000-08:00

2010 Jan1, Human always get excited due to their weird quote, New year, new challenge, new life

Does it? Does stepping in a new year will cause your life changed? Does it add some courage into you so that you're able to accept new challenge? Some humans may just had their spirit overgrown after they had some heavy alcohol I think...

Life is still Life, you see, it will only changed, if and only if, you're ready to change yourself. With your old attitude and yet, you step in new year, but hey, are you able to change your life? Are you? =.=

After last night of 2009 in KL tower, friends start to noticed the changes in me. They said that I had become more mature that I used to be. Ya, I wonder how a year can change a human easily? But honestly, I didn't changed at all. It just I'm good in acting, you guys didn't noticed. You guys always thought of Chengway is just another gangster, or a comedian..

I really wonder when I had become matured? Hmm~ let me think... 10years old? I start to look in darkness, felt darkness, stay in darkness... I always learn the way to play with fire, of course, I always get hurt... It seems that learning is always a main purpose in a human life? =)

I really amazed that humans are able to learnt after they met some failure in their life, the more they faced, the more they learnt. Is really cool actually, really cool...

Since 2010, I think I should have some wishes too although I didn't enjoy it right? ^.^
I hope, My wishes will come true... easy as a pie leh? =P

P/S: Another year had passed, Another boring year had gone. Another new year had come, Another year to spent alone in dark.

2009-12-27T08:52:00.000-08:00

How if...
Your friends left you behind?

How if...
You start to have new enemies?

How if...
You and your BF/GF broke up?

How if...
Death had come to pay you a visit?

I wonder how people gonna reacts when they face those situation? Start cursing around? Start crying and Emo-ing the whole day? Or start to get panic and don't know what to do?

I don't afraid of being alone, so normal friends doesn't bother me a lot. True friends I have? It seems to be a little less compared to normal teenagers... I already used to be alone... But for sure, sometimes I'm bored with it... When I mean bored, is really fucking bored! =|
I always keep a distance between friends. The only reason? When you start to get close with someone, you will not used to loneliness. Ah~ Am I right?

I always believe that friends is better than lovers... Friends, you can talk anything you want, do everything you want to do... No fuck at all, doesn't worried about the action that you've done... How good was that? XD
For some people, they might want to try to love, Experienced is always better than nothing.. But for me? Some things should stay where they should. I know, I love you, doesn't means that I should own you.

Death... 14 people get killed in a bus accident? Is just like Final-Destination... How cool was that? Mostly death comes with a creepy way but sometimes, it comes in a peaceful way... I wonder what kind of death will come and visit me? Haha, I'm quite excited... Do I really prepared for its coming? Do I really can forget and let go of everything in this puny world? I always want to be famous or well-known in this world... In my little theory, there are only two ways to be famous in this world... One, You be the very good guy. Two, You be the very bad guy.

So I wonder what am I know? Good guy? Bad guy? Or just nothing...

P/S: It's not what you take but what you leave behind that defines greatness. -Edward Gardner

2009-12-25T23:56:00.000-08:00

Christmas eve that day, Went sunway. Steamboat + jaychow's movie + CC = Bored + Tired + Full.

I wonder how different would the celebration if with her?

Now I only know what it means,

Saw you but I Can't talk to you.
Heard you but can't Hug you.

But sometimes, I barely saw you due to the Weather. I love you for quite a time, I wonder when i got the time to love again? CAn you Wait?

But I think the ending would be just a BYEBYE...

2009 almost end,
HOliday gonna end.
Bored gonna come,
Fun will gone.
2010 coming,
Alevel examination coming.

Then when is the day that I would be with you again?

How a world could change a people? I don't dare to know, I don't dare to think about it... I'm still the one you know, I'm still the bad guy you called...

Heart remains in a small box, waiting you to come and retrieve...
Time is ticking, Hope god will come across us, bring Miracle..

P/S: Dark returns, As Light leaves... I Wonder when Light returns?

2009-12-22T11:51:00.000-08:00

This movie... Some of you may familiar, some of you may not. Yes, this is a horror movie. Is about a guy, killing people with quiz. If his preys are failed to solve it, there is trap will finish them of. You may now thinking, wa chengway so mean and cruel, watch this kinda movie... Sorry, I'm not. I'm scared of his killing style, but one thing I had to totally agree with him.

His name is JOhn, in the movie. He once had a happy life with his wife. But one day, a burglar had caused his wife lose her pregnancy. Plus, he found out he get cancer. He felt that
humans doesn't care and appreciate their life, so he start to make traps and make them passed through. LET THEM KNOW HOW IMPORTANT IS LIFE IS.

Some lucky escape, but some, show selfishness through out the game, and they die tragically.

Yes, is horror, sometimes i scared also. Those humans are captured by him, is those who always selfish to themselves, hurt others, or want to die. Like, criminals,
business men or women, or even suiciders.

Lets come back to real world, does there are law to protect weak people? Does law protect people that are really need help? I don't know and I doesn't wish to know at all. People like lawyers, they always tried to find a hole in law, changing something that is wrong into right. We always noticed in movies or even real life, the bad guys always get away and the good guys always die in tragic.

A law, A nation, A world, can it be better? Terrorism, criminals, can it be punished in better way? Think yourself, if a 14yrs old girl really get raped by the 4 boys, does it fair if they just send to therapy due to
their age? Does it fair to the girl?

If you don't believe? Think again... A kid under 18, had killed people, what that country or what law says? That kid, will just send to other country to start up a new life, or, send to therapy... Do you think that works?

DON'T TELL ME IT IS A MISTAKE!!! OR AN ACCIDENT!!! Some of it, yes, is really accident. But, some? I don't think so... A teenager can bring a gun and start to have a LEFT4DEAD or whatever shooting game in school or college?

What is this world been through now? People start to get of the moral values that had been passed down from ancestors? People start to make their own rules no matter how many people they hurt? TELL ME!

You're right, I'm evil. I want to help to make this world better... But how? Becoming a lawyer? A politician? FUCKED UP, I"M BORED WITH THIS PUNY JOBS...

P/S: This is my view about justice. No matter how evil is that person, he/she shouldn't hurt other peoples... No way....

2009-12-21T07:45:00.000-08:00

What had passed cannot be redo...

By touching dust that may stay for 10years on those shelves had remind on what I have did on that place, on that time, on that memory...

Look around, the taoist talisman still hanging on that wall, that picture of great mountains, the old counter outside the door... It stills, the same way it was before...

The dry air in the store had sudden bring me back to my "perfect" childhood... I saw a kid, running towards an old man, hiding from his angry mum. His naughty, I want to teach him a lesson. Come on, he's still a kid, give him some time. Nah, I give you a box of pencil colour, be good ok?

A sudden struck of lighting had awaken me from day dreaming. Yes, Nothing changed here but only people. Look around, people who once called uncles, aunties, had turned to a masked wolf that giving you candy now, you doesn't know when they will eat you...

It seems that a person's death doesn't affect the lvlings too much. For sure, the lives will always be sad of the death... But life still need to go on without the deads, the lives will still survive, with their broken heart...

P/S: Back from My so called hometown, doesn't like it... Pity her... Wish her luck... Maybe this the only thing she needs now...

2009-12-18T07:45:00.000-08:00

That day I really thought I got kidney failure... Felt pain on my right kidney...
Haha.. Later on read an article about scoliosis... Sometimes is kinda cool with my S shape... Like our beloved Micheal Jackson's robo dance, Hi ya~ ^.^

The only reason I have this not bad posture... Is I have another lumbar vertical compared to normal ones... Wow, why don't GOD give me an extra intelligent, give me something that I don't need at all? o.0'' Haha, life doesn't went smoothly when I first found out... Felt pity for a cute guy like me huh? me too... XD

I, once, had a very high self-esteem.... No matter how hard things go... I always had the believe to kick their ass out... I wonder I still had the passion it used to be... Suddenly fell from the top of the heaven, till the bottom of hell... I wonder how it felt?

As I read down the article, my confidence getting cured is getting lesser... This is how the article describe, Pain surely will be suffered... Operation? Will cause a lot of side effect and it may cause you be handicap forever... If don't cure it? Ur spine will start to move your muscle, and with your bones, it will compress your fellow organs...

Ok, I'm terrified now... It means that no maater what I do, is only slow down... Sooner or Later? I will visit your ancestors and mine as well... Wow... Now I really know what is the meaning of A journey is measured by its adventure when we pass through... Not is ending..

Haha... I thought I'm gonna live till very old age when I was kid... Dreaming of holding my partner's hand, sitting together, still telling her " I love you ". I still dream of having grandchild, playing with them... Laugh without burden... But now? Life seems short to me... Can anyone tell me how long that I still can live? How long that I need to have a happy life before I passed away?

Shit lo... I still got a lot of things haven done leh... T.T
Play the latest online game with friends, watch a lot of cool and super movies, hanging out with friends, married with someone I love very much, watch my bros had a better life... ARGH! Life is tooooo short man!! Not fair!! Haha? ^.^''

Honestly I felt pain 24/7... There is not time for me to rest a while... =.=''
No half time allowed... Haha... I don't like people bothered about my problem, I didn't complain about the pain I had But sometimes, I really want to shout... I'm in pain!!!!!

But sometimes I turn around and look... There are people like me, worst than me, felt more pain than me... Then why I complain? Then why I bother? Hope meixin and Janice Jie jie will have a better life than me... ^.^''

In a short ways, I will not live for long enough with my friends, and my bros... I may not have the time to see they all success in their life... But fear not, I will always be there for you all... Support you all.. And please, don't cry or felt sad about my dissaperance one day... You know, time is short, and lets have party always... ^.^

P/S: The only thing I can promise is to live better now... My life already meaningful with my friends and family I have now... No regrets... =S

2009-12-16T05:25:00.000-08:00

Wonderful day, Wonderful lunch, Wonderful time

Purposely drove without suety after Chigein came in my car... XD
Laugh till Leisure mall...

Went sushi with tarc/perimbun buddies... lol~
Felt stupid cause I don't eat at all.. I wonder why I suggest it... Maybe I like the spinning table... So cool!!

And it is so damn cool by using mouse to order the menu... Leejian's face expression is quite funny when he put those 'raw' things in his mouth... haha!

At last, got a few sushi we can't finish... We start to have LALALILILAPTAMPOM! Only Suety survive =.='' All dead, I wonder Leejian will start to get nightmare on sushi when he sleep at night? ^.^''

Suety's so called blurness had cause a lot of jokes coming out... I really can say Holiday can make someone stupid, cause they didn't use their brain for the whole holiday! Just relax... XP

Later on went NEWAY sing K... Lalala~

Keep sing sing sing... Sing until boh sia... =.='' ChiGein purposely sing before the song starts and when the song ends... Me and leejian look at each other like... SWEAT!!! HaHa!!

Kennie keep eating the fries and keep saying Aiyo, eat so many, fat lo like this...
Note: She keep saying since we have sushi.. =.= Tee, pity u... XD
Scared fat then go keep fit! Don't complain and put foods in your mouth!!! XD

Later on fetch Suety ChiGein home, it seems that scared of my driving skills... Argh! I don't want to put that stupid P stickers....

P/S: Used almost RM50... o.0'' Bored~ Next week is another outing week... T.T Let me go la... No money LIAO!!!! XD

2009-12-11T20:42:00.000-08:00

Just came back from Sungai Long, drive with my baby car... Didn't noticed that my prawn can actually fly... T.T so dangerous~~

I already forget about her.
These years, no matter how much I heard about her, how much I chat with her, how long I've seen her, I always tell myself that I already forget her.

I felt stupid, if I already forget her, why i keep telling myself the same thing again and again? A person, A past, A memory, remembered always easier than forget.
Maybe I remember about her, so I always said i forget about her.

If any people heard this, they may felt pity for me, but what they can do? It doesn't matter how much people know about this, it will be no one would dare to laugh or make fun of him. Because even a stupid know that, only love, that people will not forget forever.

I know, I'm not the only option that you can choose.
I know, I'm the imperfect in your eye.
I know, there is something that stand between us.
I know, ME and YOU, not something but nothing.

P/S : I will be always pray for you, hoping a true prince will find you, and give you the happiness life ever after... But don't forget, a dark angle will always be out there for you... No matter how much it costs, it will always be there...

2009-12-07T07:31:00.000-08:00

Ah~ my nissan sentra flew away... Based on few stupid reasons, it had been rampas... What a wonderful day i have.. =.=

Now, I'm having a baby car... ZzZ

Yeng leh? =.=
I beh song! I drive so many cars, and I looked like a underage baby driving it.. Now? Given me a baby car? Walau.. T.T

Sommore, my driving skillis suddenly karat... =.= Doesn't like the environment inside a small car with auto gear... like so stupid.... ZzZ

Addition, that car's plat is 1400.. Fuck la.. you thought call Mcdonald meh? T.T 1400-14-1400... sweat ahhhhhhhh!!!!

No choice.. that stupid car is mine now... T.T
I gonna drive it every morning so that I can used to it.. =.= who wan go makan breakfast? let me know... i come fetch... ZzZ

2009-12-05T02:12:00.000-08:00

Today went futsal around my area, quite lucky today cause I didn’t felt pain on my leg and able to in some goals. Maybe because of this, some opponent (Malays) doesn’t like it and start telling ‘babi’…

Leon almost pick up a fight with them and lucky some uncles coming out from nowhere to stop the argument. Honestly, I really dulan, I almost punch one of them in his face, and hoping shit coming out from his ass.

Since Malaysia had independent, every leader, prime ministers had stated that we had to unite together no matter what races and religion you are. They even did a lot of activities to hoping us to get united. This year, even SATU MALAYSIA came out... ZzZ..

Until today, I didn’t saw much effect. There are still people like them, calling other races, sohai, babi, dungu.. Lol? Even secondary school I saw a lot these kinds of people and almost every single of them get beaten by gangsters. They take their own medicine, if were me, I would have their hands chopped, leg chopped, eyes blinded, ears deaf. I really want them to taste the justice.

You can’t deny for what I’m talking, this is a world full with chaos and cruelty. Why? Some humans doesn’t care their lives, they doesn’t care whether they hurt people, as long as they get the excitement. Since they get theirs, I want mines too. I’m bored of those laws and rules that bind me away from what I want to do; I hate people who hurt other people.

Do you think a rapper only deserves a few canes and a few years jail would enough? For them, it just a few years to rest and get some new plan to rape someone when they out. How if, they are punished heavily, maybe turning them to handicap citizen or death penalty? Did any rappers still want to rape other people? Does anyone who dares to? Even according to Islamic laws in Islamic countries, people who caught for stealing, will have their hands chop off.
Some humans are weaklings, they doesn’t care who you are, what is your relationship with them, as long as they get what they want, they will do anything. Weaklings are easily drive mad by money, sex relationship and power.

I know a lot of people wouldn’t agree in my theory but once you see the unfairness in this world, you will join me as a demon… I don’t bring chaos, I don’t bring suffer like any demons did, I just bring justice… And I’ll make sure the heaven will rise again in this world.

I know that a lot of people like my mum, still believes that somehow in this world, there are still fair and justice lives. As above I told my mum before, she doesn’t said anything besides nodding her head and the eyes is looking at the floor, thinking of what I’m saying.

P/S: Please step out from you fairyland and please wear your glasses to watch clearly about what is going on in this planet we once called, earth…

2009-12-03T23:20:00.000-08:00

I always believes that people that had their good and evil side. No matter how the person evil, it stills has the time when he/she’s good.

What makes them act like a devil? What cause them ‘emo’ all the times? Maybe is the scar they had shaken their confidence off. Maybe they are scared to face the reality again. "The defects and faults of the mind are like wounds in the body. After all imaginable care has been taken to heal them up, still there will be a scar left behind." Francois.

We sometimes treat people with care, our true heart, but how many people would repay the same thing to us? We doesn’t know that how many people going to betray us when the time is come? Why there are people who always be quiet and you seldom saw him talk about his problems, families? They scared their past would scares off their friends? “The past is our definition. we may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.” Wendell Berry

After a injured, people always find something to cure themselves, singing, having sports, eat… But some maniac say that time will recover the wound… CRAP! As jaychow’s song, time Is like poison… the longer it consumed, the faster we die. "It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." Rose Kennedy
For sure, I scared light. I scared people who helped me, I wonder when they will betray me? Trusting people is not a easy as ABC. It needs time to prove, buy time if you don’t have any. As a grown older, I noticed the people we can trust nowadays is lesser… I start to confused on who is right and who is wrong… I think I better sleep in dark, eat In dark, stay in dark… “We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." Plato

Yes… I hate my father, I hate that BITCH, I hate my relatives, but what to do? Letting it go is not the solution… Cause no matter what we doing, there must be people that will bring us down… But somehow, we are humans, we are given power to make choice, to create? Or destroy… to love? Or to hate…

I start to accept my past, although I don’t tell people. But how much people can? Stop running, stand still, think more... "There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were." President Dwight Eisenhower

2009-12-02T05:15:00.000-08:00

What is the purpose we live in this world?
Haha, many people question about it so do I.

I always believe in karma, I believe that in once, we are animals, trees, insects, and for a moment, we're what we here today, human.

I always have the guts to overcome anything include death. But I start to afraid when I think more, Where would I go when I'm dead in this world?> Hell? Heaven?

Thanks to our parents, we born in this world. As a human, we can't avoid any sorrow, happiness that are going to happen or already happened in our lives. We may hurt but in the same time, we gain experience to get our life better. When we gain something, we lose something as well.

Sometimes I wonder what humans do in their life, what purpose they live in this world? Lets try to rewind..

We were baby once, drinking milk, learn to talk and walk. Soon we start to play in kindergarten and study in school. Later we get married and establish a new family. Then we start to work and earn money to provide a comfortable life to ourselves and our family. Then we retired and sit at the rocking chair to wait for death to visits. Some lucky ones may not have to go on this kind of boring process due to accidents that suck their life out of their shells.

But does life only like that? Wow~ haha ^.^''
For me, the purpose of our life in this world is just to end what we've started earlier.

Today, I get bullied, maybe in past of my life I had bullied that person. Yesterday, I get scolded, maybe in past past of my life I scold that person. But I wonders, why do we start things that so complicated, that need us to solve it in many many years of life?

I only know that everytime we end something, we start something else. We just get grown up, and our life with our parents had ended, but humans are stupid enough to start another family with others, by creating a bunch of child and a wife/husband.

I noticed something, Humans always talk about how much they hate trouble but they are always the trouble makers.
They always talk about how suck their life is, how stupid is the people in their life, but yet, they still go for it, they doesn't solve it, sometimes, they even creates more.

If this are the truth, then why we started at the first time?
I had no idea on this, ask god yourself..
But what I know, Since we had to go through this boring life again, why don't we add some colour in it? Maybe something new maybe created and need us to end it in our next life. HaHa ^.^''

P/S: A man that is born falls into a dream like a man who falls into the sea, by
Joseph Conrad

2009-11-30T08:59:00.000-08:00

If people doesn't know, I come from a incomplete family, parents had divorce since I was young. For sure, i felt sad and lonely, growing up without a dad in my childhood.

From primary school, I didn't talk about myself, except talking craps with friends, playing badminton in school, fighting.. I still remember for the first time, school is giving some financial help to those students which come from single-parent families. When that teacher comes in and ask, a girl raise her hand and go out. But after a long time, that teacher comes in and call me go out as well, I wonder how she knows?

Of course the school is offering some financial help, and I refuse it. I told her I no need anyone's help in my life and I'll be fine if you leave me alone. Wow~ I wonder where I learn this kind of way to talk to teacher? (I think is standard 4 or 5)

I felt shame when everyone knows my past. Public always said that kids like me would cause a lot of problems to the society. This why I hate. I hate those adults that drop by and say to me, Hey, I want to help you, tell me about your problems.

Haha, fuck off la.. You can't even solve your problems in your life, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! You're like a HAMSAP UNCLE giving me a CANDY.. I'm good in keeping secret, no doubt on this.. I think so far in this world, only two people that understands me. I just shouted my mum just now, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE UNDERSTAND ME, AND DON'T ACT YOU UNDERSTAND ME! Felt a bit guilty, but mum seems to understand what I'm talking.. LOL!

I always stand strong for what I believe or what I had made.. No matter it is wrong or right, I still hold on until I'm lose completely. Forcing me is useless, I don't care what you told me, I still believe in what I've choose...

I hate acting in front of people! I always show the true emotion and talk what i feels i should to certain peoples... I don't care what the fuck that mum tells, ah way, please talk polite to you relatives, no matter how bad they are, they still your uncle and aunty..

Fuck the crap off please? They doesn't had any biological relation and wants me to admit as they are my trues one? They treat grandma ( although is not the real ones ) like this and you still want me to respect them? These three pairs of uncle aunties will kill us if you didn't alert. They're classify as dangerous criminals, they will kill us if they have to.

CaoCao always says, It is better I betray this world than letting this world betray me.

I don't care, what should done, it shall be done.

P/S: Tired after hearing a bunch of speech.. ZzZ.. T.T

2009-11-27T10:25:00.000-08:00

Today read a story similar to you. It reminds me about you..

The day we met, you’re the 1st person that doesn’t care who am I, and treated me as your best friend. I really want to thank you for giving me an experience of a life time.

I still remember we teached by the same tuition teacher, of course your academic is better than me. Haha, I still remember we always get excited when teacher cooks maggie mee for us. You always get higher marks in quiz that teacher gives. You always tell me how your parents treat you after your new born sister, how you want me to teach you the way to play badminton. Remember my brother?

Because you’re kind, I’m evil that time, I always bully you, but you don’t mind at all. Plus, you always invite me to your house, playing Lego, watch digimon, building models. I still remember how well you know about digimon, your face expression were so excited when you talk about it. Your creativity had shown in the Lego style you build, modern, cool. We fall in love on a same girl, but you willing to move aside without affecting our friendship.

But that time, I’m still childish, I didn’t know that I should appreciate a friend like you; I didn’t put everything in heart. One day, I heard you’re dead from that tuition teacher. I felt like I heard something cracks like glass breaks. I start to blame myself why I didn’t appreciate you when we’ve been together, why… When I followed my mum to your funeral, I felt my legs getting heavier, that moment is so familiar…

Your death, had brings a great suffer to your mum and dad. She cries while she’s talking about your day in hospital. You get cancer on throat, and start to get kimo treatment in hospital. And you still can draw pictures, does a lot of art work, and gave it to the doctors and nurses that took care of you. Your father? He just like me, he didn’t cried or drop any tears, but I saw a great great sorrow in his eyes. Till now, I can’t find another person to compare with him at that time. Your younger sister just sits there and cries, while she throws some paper to burn. Your mum got tells me that I can go and look at you for the last time, although your face had turned ugly. But I didn’t, I’m not afraid of ugly corpse; I just want to keep your image in my heart forever. How handsome you are, a clear and light skin you have…

After a few months, your mum gave me some of your toys, yoyos, gundams, digimons... Yet your mum cried again when she saw me holding those toys. Your father came in front of me, touching my head and say, “my son had also grown so tall if he’s still alive.” After that, he went to kitchen and never came out until we went home. Your younger sister looks the same you were as her age, I stunned, like I saw your shadow.

After a few years, I met your mum and your sister outside the bank. She just says hi to me and quickly gone away, I saw her eyes were red… I didn’t drop my tears, but weird, I felt a pain in my heart… I wonder why humans always start to appreciate when they had lost something. But you gave me a good lesson, treat friends with 150% heart you got, no matter how sucks your friend is…

A flower doesn’t bloom forever, so do human’s life.

P/S: Appreciate what we have now, Treat kindly the people around us, don’t wait until the life had come to an end, cause this will only leave a regret that stays with you forever…

2009-11-26T13:07:00.000-08:00

There is nothing fair in this world, my mum always told me since I were kid. I thought that justice and laws still lies beneath the bottom of a human heart.

My family background and the things that I encounter, I turned to a dangerous kid. I start to dig out truth from the grave. But when I start to grown up, all the answer that I'm looking for are getting clearer and clearer. When I know all the truth, I didn't like it at all. For what i see, greediness of a human cause all of this. When I close my eye, I saw people crying, fighting, shouting. I even get nightmares sometimes and my mum noticed it.

Some of them are selfish, and all humans are willing to do anything to keep their lives. But do they aware that they start to hurt people when they start to protecting themselves? I always hope that I own some power, at least I can punish those who go against law.

In this world we live in now, there is nothing called fair. No matter it is related to money, power, or love, it still the same.. unfair.

Love each other and still for certain reasons and still can't be together?
It is fair?
Getting a higher result than you and parents start to love them is fair?
Work for so hard for something and yet, get nothing, is it fair?

My mum always tells me, You shouldn't have the heart to hurt people, but you must have the heart to prevent other people's hurting you. No fair huh? Why we need to protect ourselves from getting hurt and do not hurt other people?

P/S: Ya, world is unfair. But what to do? There is no way beside accept it.. If not? You will suffer like what i suffer now..

2009-11-25T08:52:00.000-08:00

These days, for sure, I had to take care of my bros cause my mum went to temple to have a meditation for a week. Later on December, she and my bros going for a two weeks vacation (if I’m not mistaken) without me. Maybe going holiday with family not fun as going with friends. XD Or maybe I prefer to be alone for a while, chill out my mind a while.

For sure, my father come home this week for third time, to check us out what we’re up to. For me, it is nothing that I don’t care cause his existence in this family ain’t important. But maybe for my bros, father coming back home and visit may leave them a good impression on him. At least he is doing the responsible as a father.

He’s humor, I know why now mum loves him once, and I know why that BITCH will love him as well. He’s a good eletriction, that’s no doubt on that, at least he got something that I doesn’t have. That day, he drop by to our house to cook us a dinner. He even invite some close relatives to come to have some too. After a long day cooking and cleaning, he take a small nap.

When I looked at him, both of my personalities looked at him, having different opinions/thoughts.

Why don’t I just killed him? Smash him in his head, or just chop his head off. Nah~ Why don’t torture him first, it should be fun.. It is against the law but… I felt better I believe, I get my revenge and he get his payback.

Auw~ He’s look old, pity. He sure suffer cause he need to take care of two families, so cham~ Haiz, lonely man awaits for someone to understand him but he thought he found. But actually? He just creating another problem and makes him suffer more.

Sometimes I wonder what should I do? What I shouldn't’t? I always standing between good and evil, thinking of many things that I did, wondering is right or wrong? I still miss the days where she always reminds me.. Now I noticed that being a human is not easy, as we need to be perfection and not to hurt others, how hard it is? Handling everything we have is impossible, it is tired, exhausting…

Ha~ I’m always the one who give advice to people’s problem, but I’m also the one who get a lot of problems. ^.^ Stunning, Tired, and still.. I’m still believe that I can do everything, I can solve everything, I can be the PERFECTION..

P/S: Oh man~ What I gonna cook tomorrow? =.-‘’ I already cooked panmee, bakutteh, curry, chicken soup, western food.. ARGH~ Hope this week ends fast, my reciepe gonna drained by my bros.. T.T I miss my mum… XD

2009-11-23T10:06:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, a lot of things that remind me, by having a great memories with you, how close we were, how cool you were, how stupid I am.. You still the same you when we met that day. But I can see through your eyes, somethings bother you.. I think it does the same thing to me..

That day, I have to break yours to pieces. Don't ask me why, sometimes, things happened doesn't required a reason or explanation. But do you know? I'm the one who hurt more. Letting the loves one go forever. I know your heart had shattered into pieces, but I'm so sorry. You always believe me in everything, but why don't this time? It is better we stay this way.. Although our scar in our heart may not recovered.

When that day I'll told you to go away from life, I have to.. I'm sorry.. I know you heart had broke, but you will find another person which is better than me, as long you're holding the pieces of your heart. I'm sure that he would be a better mechanic than I did. I'm appreciate your wishes, but I didn't pick up the pieces of my heart, I just let it go.. I want to become heartless, cause that's the only thing that will keep you forever in my heart.

You have gone for a long while, but why you come back now? Come back and meet me, why? You know, you're killing me? The emptiness in my chest, used to be my heart, but now? only filled with nothing but dead air.. When you're gone, please don't come back. Life is different now and everyone has to move on their life, same to you and me. We can't stay in the past forever, this is the only thing to save our friendship.

P/S: Please~ Go back from where you come from.. If not, I go...

2009-11-20T05:43:00.000-08:00

Morning went pasar to buy something to cook. Saw a very familiar person at a vegetable stall, it was him!! Heard a lot of crime commit history of him, and yet, he still the same old guy when we met. I had a lot of friends like him, and i'm so proud that i haven changed into someone like them. By looking on their's past, i'm terrified, i scared. Humans have the time that they will lose control themselves and done something wrong. I pray to myself that I will try control myself, away the darkness and start to live in this world.

Looking on other people's blog, watching movies, i really thank them.. The actors, those blog writers, it remind that This world ain't cruelty only, there is still love I'm not believing in true love, but hey, I still got a bunch of friends and family that will support me anytime. When time passes, i thought i'm the one in this world who changed, but the truth?

I always hang out with them since secondary school, i saw a lot of things. Every single one of them had their own story to tell, it may become the sadest and touched story in this world. I'm amazed that their past can change who they are now Some of them had sad passes, they had changed to a lonely person that no one noticed them in this HUGE world.. But i don't felt sorry for them.. I felt... Excited.. I don't know why? Maybe they had learnt the way to get strong and stronger to face this world.

Somehow our passes do act like those Fucking Bitches, hunt us in our daily life. But hey! Be yourself and no one can do anything about your attitude, your style. You are unique!! Sometimes we need to let ourselves rest a while, don't always stay in the past, WAKE UP!

When i say that i can't go Genting because i need to take care of my twins bro, my new friends from TARC, i felt that aura from them.. They doesn't like me at all at that time. I really want to go but human DO sacrifice to get something they want! Yes, i agree. I'm selfish, I choose my bros rather than choosing you all. I didn't tell the reasons to them, I think i no need to explain what happened, I don't care! Fair enough? When my parents divorce, my dad dissapear from this family tree, I swear to learn and teach my bros to be a real man on the sake of my life. I swear to protect them, i swear i'll teached them to be a better person, not to following my father's path.

If you were asking me how my life's going now?
Don't know~ still the same pain that i had, it just worsen day by day. Still joke and cool around friends. It doesn't matters that u fail, it only matters when you start to give up. I always plan things, I always do things, but when they gonna worked?

P/S: Only time will speak for them.. Only time..

2009-11-15T09:16:00.000-08:00

Oh~
So sad when she told us she and her BF broke up. I thought they were cool, but seems that things didn't go as i thought.

"All guys are the same. I prefer to be single!"
Ah~
This word i hear from a lot of girls, after getting hurt by us, men. But trust me, after a few months, your desire get control of your body again. Yet, you fell in love again.. I don't lie, I'm not acting pro. But this is the fact that I saw from few girl friends..

But somehow you all made a point, "All guys are the same. I prefer to be single!" Winnnie told me before, i mean, she scold me for hurting her.. Aw~ is like yesterday, still hurts my heart.. Before I have a relationship, my confidence is like hell high in heaven. But after her speech.. I think every man in this world are the same. No matter how their learn, how they control, they still the same old man that live in this nature.

What defines a good man? a good BF?
Cooking? I know.. Flirting with you? I know.. Being romantic? A piece of cake.. Take care of you? A blink of an eye.. But this doesn't represent that I'm a good man/BF.. I'm still human, we're imperfect. I can tell you that there are still man like me, not interested on girls that we not, even she is so damn pretty. That day my mum just have a little speech with me, she told me, "Ya, i know you will not following the footstep of your dad, but when you are married, and when you really met another true love outside, you definitely bang your head out there.. So don't talk loud before you done it."

Wow~
I stunned. I know I'm a good man. But my confidence had shaken, does it really happens like my mum and friends said? In chinese, Crows are the same in this world, no matter where it lives, it still the same crow.

For me, there are only two kind of man in this world. One is normal, One is chewing gum.
As normal is like above, a normal guy/man. But chewing gum, he's sticky, he follows her to everywhere, sitting quietly, agrees for anything she said, willing to do anything for her although it is wrong thing to do. I'm surely they just say, "Hey! Chengway, we this kind of people is called good man/boy. We're taking care of our GF, so fuck off if you don't have any. But sorry? Can you guys stop right there and think of something, Does she really love you? Why you love her? Why she love you? There are thousands of competitors in this world, and don't tell me that you only love her, she only love you.

Come on! We know that truth is always the saddest things to hear but did I say the wrong thing? There are people out there, richer than you, handsome than you, cooler than you, taller than you... You and her, You and him, may not survive till the end of next year. But, I'm not saying that love is always failure and heartbreaking for the ending each and everytime. It just need trustworthiness between you, and her/him. Trust me, it works. Although i didn't saw any successful couple so far.. =.-''

P/S: Hope Vivian recover soon. By the way, some people want to leave comment but they doesn't want their ideas float to public, felt free to add me in msn and give me an offline message or a long and meaningful conversation with me. david06wong@hotmail.com Please tell me who are you after you add me, if not i delete contact. =.-''

2009-11-14T07:59:00.000-08:00

As human, we have the power of choosing. But unluckily, not many thing we can choose. These days i keep get stunned, wow, i suddenly become a sohai?

Before, i thought i really, i do, understand humans. But it didn't work as it seems, seems my skills, need to be upgrade a little bit. I didn't know some of my action had cause someone suffer, i thought i know her well.. Damn? Damn....

Sometimes is not that thing complicated, is us, as a human, look it in a complicate way. Haiz~ my only weakness is i care too much, and i hurt people without noticing..

Argh~ FUCK YOU CHENGWAY!!!

2009-11-13T06:29:00.000-08:00

2012 is like a symbol of an end. Mayan’s prediction had almost came to true. What we saw now, the world gonna end? Ya, it is. Basically, largest solar flare + unstable magnetic field = earth crust shifted. When those innocent people are dead, I felt nothing. They had the chance to, wow.. I don’t mind dieing with everyone, I don’t blame the GODs who made this. Cause is humans, are the reasons for the earth destruction. War, nuclear missile launch, burning, smoking.. Thanks to selfish humans, we gonna hug and die together. How nice we can die together?
I almost cry when I saw a father is asking a forgiveness from his son. His tear’s drop and he keep saying that “ I’m too late…” People always regret for what they did, but for male, they don’t say sorry although they know they done the wrong thing. The spirit of sacrifise for others is the thing that amazed me. I thought that only love that needs sacrifise, but others? Don’t give a damn. Wow, the presiden of the United States willing to stay at the land and help those people while knowing he will die. I really amazed, he said, “ Saving a young scientist is better than saving 20 old politicians. “

2009-11-07T08:22:00.000-08:00

Being TOUGH and STRONG

In many people eyes, people always praise me as a stronger and tougher person compared to themselves. But do how many people know The stronger/tougher that person looks, the weaker the person's heart.

Human body is an amazing machine, made in blood and flesh. It able to heal itself in the matter of time, but it is still.. Easily hurt and bleed... How lucky if mine are made in air, can vanish in the space like it's never exist.

Lately, my brother was "gifted" for something that everyone in this world can't changed it. I can see the sorrow and sadness in his eyes, he ask me what he can do? what I do for myself when i face this kind of problem.
You know what I say? Let it be, no fuck. By looking his expression, I know his heart can't accept my answer, I know he can't accept who is him now. But do he had the choice?

Humans live in this world, had been destined to pass through happiness and sadness. There is no choice. There is no turning back. Many people died and live every year in this world, this complex time, full with black and white. Many people were sorry for who they are, many people is happy and appreciate every moment they got for this world. But how many people can stand up and live stronger after a "war" may killed them?

I know the way to be strong since I were young, around 5. The song, "Wayway please don't scared, you are a good baby. Fall down, never mind, just stand up. You see that hill, flowers had bloom for you. You are a good baby, just stand up after u fell down."

2009-11-04T17:36:00.000-08:00

Life

Ah~ Just finish my exam, I wonder how sucks it gonna be?
Felt more boring and lonely in the middle of the Night.
Off my phone to avoid unnecessary human bothers me...
Thinking of my sequences of my life,
keep repeating the same old thing everyday.

Being a smart person or intelligent person is not enough, the most important is to be a person who can adopt to different situation in a blink of an eye. Hmm~ seems that I'm not good in it... And I waste a lot of time on useless things..

Humans dare to speak about changes, but do they dare to change? Changing the life we had now is to change the style we used to live with. This month I always sleep at morning 3am, that time I only felt tired.
But when that time, I felt emptiness in me again. This feeling... So weird..

Life is challenging and unexpected.
A news had stunned me and my family. You know what I've done? I only can stare at the blue sky and laugh... Hahahahahahaha~ Expect the unexpected, I always amazed on human's life.. So excited and fun... Of course we may get hurt in the process of life..

Her birthday gonna come, Should I wish her? Nah~ Fuck off, I don't care anymore. I'm damn pain these days, What now? What for today? What for tomorrow? It seems that tonight i will be waling alone, waiting for the day to come..

P/S: One week seven days, It doesn't bring a lot of changes in my life.. Can someone add a few more days for me? Make it long, Ten days a week, How's that?

2009-11-01T07:40:00.001-08:00

Love....

How long we had been separate? How are you lately? Still having your dream as model?
No matter time passes, No matter how i change, I know I'm still the same old me in your eyes. I wonder you got new BF? For sure i don't have a new GF, hardly to find someone that I would really put my heart to..

Exam coming, so nervous.. All the new friends i known started really well, and they are damn good in academic.. =.- Cicake.. Can't concentrate and started to missing about ur cheese cake.. Wei's Style.. Lol...

The eye of Malaysia had moved place, i thought i would go there again to refresh the memory we got there.. But place had changed and for sure, the view of the red purple sky would had changed... Is like going to turn dark, and rain gonna falls..

I miss u, honestly, the time we had together, is amazing.. But we had our own path to follow, had our dreams to achieved... How far between you and me? How much time needed for me to fly to you? Although i can't hug you, at least give me some time, to watch you from far, and let me know that you are safe...

Is you who let me remember for who am i. You are the one who let me know what is FOREVER. I know we will not be together again but.....

P|S: Can i say again " I Love You? "

2009-10-29T07:25:00.000-07:00

What motivates me? I really don't know. I don't know what I want in my life. Live for 18 years, I didn't know what i have accomplish. Time doesn't awaits us.

That day JunWee lent me a book he borrowed, is about ACCEPTANCE. Somehow, something, i agree about the book said, some not.

Stop living in a past that is gone and a tomorrow is yet to come. Life is only this place, this time, this breath -right now.
I always remind myself to get ready for tomorrow challenge, yet it still early today. But I'm also careful for what I wish for/make decision cause it may affect tomorrow's challenge. Are humans' complicated or I'm the only human who complicated himself?

Accept your path, with its many twists and turns. The adventure is about the journey, not about the end.
This theory greatly destroy mine, I realized the thinking of mine had wrong. I always wish that I can end this journey quickly but I didn't saw that what I've become. If I had a boring journey in my life, I would not be writing in this blog.

Befriend your anger. Listen -it has much to teach you.
We do mistakes, but how many people will stood up and learn from their mistakes? Sudden anger may hurt someone you love, but after that you learn to love her/him more. But how many people do that? How many people had the courage to do that?

These are those I don't agree...
When darkness surrounds you and extinguishes all hope, trust that God will rekindle your spirit.
I don't believe. I only believe myself. When I'm force to shrouded in darkness, When I fell in to dark hole, who's the one who give his/her helping to me? No one! I stood up all by myself, only certain people who taught me how to become a human again.

Accept suffering. It can stretch your heart to make room for greater love and joy.
What rubbish is this? Yes, suffering can let one to enjoy happiness, hurt can let one to enjoy love. But how if the person keep suffering and get hurt? Does him/her enjoy happiness and love then? I don't think so. Human's heart is made in flesh, does it able to hold on the slicing and cutting from a knife?

You may not be able to do anything about a problem today. When that happens, accept it and forget it.
Forget problem? Problem creates' problems, made that in mind. Once problem created, you don't find a way to solve it, it hardly for you to get ready for tomorrow.

P/S: I hate I hate I hate. How many people in this world will face the problem like I did? How many people's thought would be like me? How many people will felt sad about my life? And how many people would learn something from my life?

2009-10-25T09:22:00.000-07:00

People changed when time passes through space. Do you? Do you remember who am I? Do you felt afraid and disappointed for who am I now?

I noticed I've changed a lot when i start my college's life.
Something... Not right.. Everyone start to look at me in a different way.. And i start to dislike the feelings I'm having now.. I hate it..

As time passes,
People do changed..
But,
honestly, I still like her
Her looks, her smile. But darkness where keep me away from her..
When I want to step out for the first step,
The crooked smile from the darkness remind the identity and the situation that I'm having.
Bravery doesn't represent anything.. Everything, need the right time to do. Sadly, I don't have the time anymore. Times is reckless..

When i try to dream my childhood..
I saw a happy, naif child,
having a running competition with his mum,
see who's the 1st one who reach kindergarden.
Those days, i miss a lot..
But I'm so clear,
that those things i want,
had vanish in the air..

I didn't pay attention for what i should do now.
Studying.. Exam is around the corner and I'm still talking crap in this blog..

2009-10-22T05:38:00.000-07:00

When the GP presentation, luckily i able to control myself to talk less about what i suppose to say to everyone. I almost drop my tears when i saw my own slide.. Proverbs create by me..

Later on, teacher give back us the essay we wrote.. She start to ask me few question, same thing, i almost drop my tears.. She said i got confident.. I told her i'm Dead before.. I didn't expect i tell so much to people..

I noticed her comment about my essay is the longest,
You have make it so far in life, look at at where are you today. Why drown yourself in hatred? You do have the answer to your question, talk it out. You are the first person i see so much potential in. You can came right to the front of the class and talk like a professional, something we not many can do. Look at the talent you have and work on them. You have scoliosis and somehow you appear to be normal, now thats a gift! How do you put your pain aside and strive to make it in the world, again a true gift. -Miss Mitra-

Being a strong person and a people that capable to lead or teach other people about something is not easy, especially when you are in those situation. When my friends need my help about their family problem, i'm glad to help them. Every house at a sutra to recite, is not easy to confront to our problem. I scared, i always run away and forget about it.. But unluckily, there are always things that remind about who i really were.. I'm tired.. I want to cry...

P/S: My creation, If u get hurt badly by someone, try to
forgive him/her. True, it doesn’t change the
past, but it will brings a great change to the
future. Forgiveness is the only thing are
able to heal the wound of your heart.

God had the power of CREATION.
Demon had the power of DESTRUCTION.
How about us? As humans?
We had the power to choose..
Which path we should follow..

What is right?
What is wrong?
Give a second chance to them and hoping them to change?
Or let justice take place so that everyone learned the consequences…

We make decision is like playing a chess game. There is no turning back.
Sometimes if we are wrong, there is no time to retake our decisions.

2009-10-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

ME,MYSELF,AND I.WHO AM I TODAY AND WHO I WILL BE TOMORROW?

I read a interesting thing in newspaper where it says that "Heart, body and soul they are linked, if u're too emotional, u will hurt ur internal organs and bone..." Sometimes people judge me for being emo or emotional.. But how do you feel if someone you admire for some years and suddenly become the ones to bring u to hell?

Is my father's father. People always question about the existence 'family' war i talk about..

I wonder how he felt if he know i already knew that I'm not his real grandson? How he gonna treat me if he know that i knew the secrets that hide by my grandma for 20+ years?
Personally, i hope he can revive from his grave.. And i would glad to put him back.. But sadly, Dead should always stay dead.

Thanks to him, his 'education' and action had influenced his son, my dad, to act and do the same thing he did.. FUCK? u're dead, but ur spirit still here? Show urself and i would gladly to rip ur soul apart.

Is was you, you're the one who cause this pain spread on me, you're the one who cause the brothers and sisters fight.. As i know, they're not biological related, but do you know what they're doing now? They're killing each other for power and money.. How nice? I've been drag to this war by nothing.. NOTHING!

I used to cry for you, u help me when my mother scold me, u gave me pencil colours, thats why the artistic skill grown in me.. my favourite icecream, sweets.. Is was like yesterday, i still can tell the brand and the taste like... I hate the REAPER for that time, why he take away you from me. But now i realized that he helped me, eliminated another sohai in my life..

Pity Grandma.. everyone's lurking on her... Waiting the death finds her, the true war will start on then.. She know our family not hers or yours.. But she still care about us.. especially me.. And i swear i will protect her till her last breath,I swear i will make the one who make her suffer, he/she will felt 10 times suffer... And gladly, I'm good in it..

By the way, do i told you I'm the one who trick their RM24000 that they take from grandma? I hope that Ahlong won't find them.. And please tell them in dreams, stop what they're doing.. Please, don't force me jump over the wall..

2009-10-10T07:11:00.000-07:00

Wake up lo.. so tired today...
Wonder how life had changed on me..
Looking at the big mirror,
I stunned... Looks likes dead man awakes from the nightmare...

People still call me kido,
not like 18 teenager..
Lu pelajar sekolah menegah kah?
Hurts...

I'm matured enough to face this world?
I've hav no idea.. What i saw and learn,
doesn't bring much help..
Cause what i need,
is alot to let me survive in this cruel world...

This GP presentation,
i may confess on something where i never told people..
I don't care my secrets flowing out to this world,
maybe i felt better if i let it go away...

Sometimes being a perfect person is not easy,
when i looked at my bros,
who eating the lunch i prepared and praise me..
DAke, is nice..
That time i felt I'm lighten..

These 8years sorrow and anger had changed me a lot..
People that i can trust had gone away..
Hoping that the peace i seek,
would be my rest of my life..
I'm tired of my family's fight...
Who am i?
What i'm doing..

People are imperfect,
so i had nothing to do with those useless maniac..
I hate them,
they didn't put any effort to their work..
They have any RESPONSIBILITY..

P/S: Does people deserve second chance?

2009-10-07T05:09:00.001-07:00

Choices that can be made,
I make a lot of decisions,
That not many human dare to take the risk..

I choose not to fight with people for GENERAL PRESENTATION,
having a theory 'LET IT BE'..
I would not get anything that I want,
but at least everyone get what they want.
People will think I'm stupid,
but this is best for us,
and this is my choice.

Sometimes decision u make,
make affect people indirectly..
By choosing people who are talented,
why don't I try to choose people who aren't?
I will try my best,
so that they could learn something.
And next time,
they're able to make their own choices.
Ignore other people's opinion,
stand up for what u believe..
No need worried for me,
this kind of stress wouldn't kill me easily.
If I want to die,
I already dead now.
I will not sitting here,
blogging,
teach people what i know,
and let people know what i believe..

Somehow my body starts to heat up again,
pain coming everywhere, I really hope the reaper would had come and visit me.
But when i saw the sorrow and hope in my mum's eye,
DAmn,i can't die yet.. =.-

These days i'm exhausted completely,
Cause a lot of unhappy things happen,
figure out a way to solve them..
This just worsen my body conditions.

Making choices,
beware of what u wish..
I've choose a path of danger,
living in revenge and love are destroy by me..
These years just worsen my body,
I scared this 'shell' may not live for long.
But as I breath in fresh air,
i still believe that i haven dead..

P/S: Somehow i felt that shrouded in darkness is not enough.. May the darkness be my guardian, guide me to what i want most...

2009-10-03T02:01:00.000-07:00

This few years,
I planned for revenge..
I recruit the people i need,
the information i need...
And waiting for the right time to strike..
I will,
Take back those things that belongs to me..
People block my way,
will take their own consequences...

Sometimes i ask myself,
does revenge is so important?
When i think of those sad things i been through..
I didn't cry, not a single drop of tear...
I just felt my heart pain..
Now i only understand that,
the true sadness is flow below the heart,
crying is only a tool to express feelings and relieve stress..

Somehow my fren ask me yesterday,
U afraid of death?
Hm~..
I dunoe... U?
Ya.. I'm scared..
Why?
I have a lot of things i haven done..
how about me?

That day i only noticed,
I had changed a lot..
I already burn out the wishes i got since i were kid..
I already break people's heart that i shouldn't..

But honestly,
sometimes anger really take over me..
I'm sorry if i hurt any one of my frens before,
I didn't mean to hurt my friends... I didn't..

In reality,
I speak when i felt i need to..
Sorry to those people that wants to talk to me but i ignored..
I always observe people's action and the way to talk,
because i wan to understand,
why humans can find their own goal,
while i can't? My life is kind blank...

I don't understand myself,
Sometimes i'm afraid for what i've done/planned,
is so mean...
I start to confuse on who am i?
Stuck between hatred and love...
I'm tired...
My heart can't take it anymore..
I scared one day,
I've become the demon again,
start to kill and destroy..

Sometimes,
i do something childish to control myself,
eating ice-cream, lolipop, play with kids at playground.
This reminds me that i'm still a human, still a part of this world...
I deserve a beautiful and happy life..
I enjoyed although i hate to cheat myself...

Act cool, being quiet,
is the only thing i can do,
is to protect u all, my fellow frens,
from me..
So..
Sorry..

P/S: I'm not looking for people who understand me,
I'm just looking for people who makes me understand...

2009-10-02T05:33:00.000-07:00

Today I went mamak stall alone..
Government sent people come to spray "smoke"s...
I hate that smell... So I went out..
Having two cup of my favourite drink..
And a piece of roti canai..

Somethings bother me...
A question..
That i think for a long time...
And i couldn't think of the answer,
that satisfy myself...

What is death?
Why humans are afraid of it?

I read a lot of books..
They wrote that,
People scared is because,
they have unfinished things..
Wishes that haven came true..

For me,
sometimes i ask myself,
whether i scared?
Is like nothing for me honestly..
Cause I've already a half-dead person..

I wonder i got things I that haven done..
No? i guess?

Can some1 told me the exact answer?
I'm confused... =.-

Sms me pls...
Thanks a lot..
0163068261

2009-09-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

GP book review presentation,
I've been rewarded the title of THE BEST SPEAKER.
That's the time i noticed,
I've done something wrong.
I shouldn't show the lousy skill i have,
because it reminds me on something..
That i didn't wish to remembered again...

I've been sent to a temple since I'm 8,
Mother forced.. And hoping,
I would put down the anger they cause,
And be a normal kid.. Having their life..
Normal...

That's the time I met,
People that really good,
can have chat on anything...
Support they gave...
I thanks u all...
Me, Winson and TianJun,
We were the lord of DISASTER.
What brings us together,
is our family background.
What we've been through,
is almost the same..

Life changes until I met a monk,
from California, Master HENG TZUNG,
He taught me a lot of things,
Put away anger,
Be a leader and lead people,
Giving speech in public,
Discipline,
And also have fun when the time comes..

He also tell some teacher that,
I'm smart, and dangerous..
Cause I'm able to influence people's decision..
It is good if i can lead people to greater benefit of mankind..
But what i did sometimes,
I lead my fellow temple friends...
To a more crazy and destructive way..

I also learnt,
the way to know people's thought,
By feeling their 'aura'..
I learnt to be a real man,
stand up and giving strong opinion,
for what i believe is right..

Strong moral and golden rules grown within me,
Is like a chain that locked my demon,
deep inside my heart..
But when time passes,
I discover more dark tales,
more dark secrets that no one knows..
I'm hurt badly that time...
I almost gone to suicide..

My vengeance and anger start to become stronger..
And one day that I'm afraid...
Is happening...
I start to loss control of myself,
I start to do a lot of crazy things...
Enjoying the breakthrough of the chains,
What i hunt,
Is LOVE and FREEDOM..

Things changed again when i met her,
She understands me...
She give the support that when i need,
She 'heal's me.. I felt human again..
I thought she was the one that,
I will spend my rest of my life with her...
But life is unpredictable,
She went back to the place she comes,
For the greater sake of her family..

But before she leave,
She makes me swear...
That i will put down the vengeance that grown in me..
And be a good man that protects people that i love..
A ring, A cross in my heart,
Reminds on what i promise to her..

But now, LOVE and FREEDOM
I don't hunt them anymore..
I'm mentally tired..
I felt I've turned into an old man..

Right and wrong?
What is right? What is wrong?
Everyone have their own excuse,
for what they did..
Maybe for him/she,
is the right way to do it..

Finding another friend and new relationship,
is not a easy task to complete...
Trustworthiness....
How many human being that i can have this on them?
How many?

At night,
My heart, spine, leg,
started to pain again..
But this time,
I felt the pain had gradually increased a lot..
What happen again?

P/S: I just felt moody and tired after the GP book presentation.. The unwanted memories had float on the sea of mind again..

2009-09-27T16:44:00.000-07:00

看了多篇的戏剧，
结局已摸透了，
还值得等下去吗？
凌乱的爱情，
你爱的，却为别人默默付出。
你不爱的，却默默为你守护。

你我之间的谈话，
好像昨天一样，
那么舒适甜蜜。
那可恨的时间老人，
强拉我回这个无情的世界。

你的微笑，
是我从未看过美丽。
不知不觉，
它悄悄融化了我的心。

我对你的思念，
也慢慢装满了那瓶子。
是否有一天，
你会来清空那瓶子。
然后告诉我，
我愿意。

也许是那道墙，
把我和你隔开。
而这道墙，
我冲不破。

突然，
好羡慕童话里的角色。
他们，
排除万难，终成眷属。

我希望，
我是那童话里的沉睡王子。
默默等待，
你来轻吻我脸颊的那一刻。

虽然这是白痴的想法，
就让世人笑我痴情，
也让我永远沉睡在这黑暗森林。

至少我听不见真相，
看不到事实，
因为等待，
是一种幸福。

Each time i miss u,
Is like a marble drop into my heart.
My heart get heavier because of this.
I wonder when,
you will come and take out all the marbles from my heart,
and told me,
I do...

No matter how this story gonna ends,
let this story pass to younger generations,
reminds them that,
Awaits for someone is also happiness..

Miss you...

2009-09-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

Today, I decided to reply some of the questions u guys ask before...

"I seldom saw you really happy, why?"

Happiness? What define it?
For me, it is a special thing,
where you need to give out 1st,
then only u will receive.
But I wonder,
how long I stop giving it to others.
For what I receive,
only pain and tears..
So now I only wish that,
people around me,
will be happy always =)

"Can you tell me what really happen to you before? I want to help you."

My past,
problems I faced.
People seems quite desperate to know about me.
Depends who are you,
where we were,
what time issit,
Then I shared with u all..
Sometimes friend's live is like a movie,
we can't learn or help them...
Their live,
They should face it their self.

"You're weird sometimes, like anti-social?"

This is because u don't know who am i,
I'm quiet in certain situations..
I only close to friends where really understand who am i..
Other friends i got,
we just chitchat around..
I have my own golden rules..
I have my own inperfect on certain things,
If u hate/dislike it?
Walk away silently..

"How's ur dream gurl? Go find a Gf, easy for a boy like you..."

This question, i answered till bored jor.
1st thing,
My heart awaits someone..
Someone who really can let me put down,
everything to be a..
Real me..
2nd,
my past is full with sorrow and pain,
I only stand up for what i believe,
"Love",
this word I hardly found in my dictionary..
Because before,
I treat people with my true heart,
Unluckily,
This love seed i planted,
To a wrong land..
But when I realised,
The one who treat me with true heart..

"Do you regret for being who you are now? Vengful and rage spirit you got.."

I tell you all now..
I don't. I don't regret.
My life is full with sorrow and pain,
yes, thats true..
But most of it happens,
Is out of my control.
I want to live peacefully like normal people,
But i've been driven to a war for nothing,
where people start to kill each other to get 2 things..
POWER AND MONEY..
I want to be a kind and cute boy,
but i've turned into a Demon,
where people start to run away for me..
Talk about regret, How i gonna regret?
Why should i regret?
It brings nothing if i regret...
Nothing..

"You really remember what you've been through?"

Everyone had their own life..
Sad.. Happy..
But how many?
how much? in this world..
are worth to be memories for people to remember?
10years? 100years? 1000years?
Or just let it slowly devour in time,
And vanish in the space..
alone...

2009-09-16T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today.. MeiYan sms me something that i would like to share with u all..
is something about 10 meaningful sentences that we should think deeply about..

1)There is no 100% perfect soulmate.. There is only two 50% soulmate..

True.. For what I know, ur weakness maybe cover by ur other soulmate.. Ur advantages will cover her/him as well.. Helping each other is the only key to keep the relationship goes on.. Not to regret and felt ashame about his/her weakness.

2) Giving out is the best way to receive... But there's a risk, u may hurt badly.. At that time, u will start to protect urself by not giving or receiving anymore.. This is protect u, but it will also put u into loneliness forever..

For me, love is not about giving or receiving, is about how u gonna sacrifice.. No matter how bad u hurt.. U still be satisfy for what u had done for ur soulmate.. No regret.. This no.2 i done completely, I already at the cage of LOnely.. afraid to receive and give..

3) The person who willing to argue with u, is the one who really loves you.

Totally agree, somehow they really wan to help u, giving out opinions, but they just don't know the proper way..

4) Sometimes u think that ur soulmates aren't care about u, but actually is u the one who care too much about him/her.

This is same with no.2, people always think that they should fairly receive for what they had give.. But don't forget, this is about love, not business. We are talking about sacrifice about love.. not dealing and earn profit..

5) Being cool doesn't represent that we're cruel/no feelings, is just a tool to protect ourselves..

This is what i say before, and what I'm doing now.. I will die immediately if someone just hurt me again, my heart gonna breaks..

6) Between me and you, there was 1000steps.. if u willing to move for 1 step towards me, i will continue to 999 steps.

This is where love comes. Some people are dared to take the 1 step forward to their true love, but me? I think I will go backwards 1000 steps. My feelings like rojak now..

7) The people who happy when u're in trouble, is ur enemy. The people who happy when u're happy is ur freind. But if the people is sad because of u, these are the people where u can put into ur heart.

Agreed, people sometimes do sad about ur problem. This is why sometimes I didn't talk much about my secrets, just blog some here.. I afraid I'll hurt u all, so I try my best to keep myself away from u all..

8) In the word 'BELIEVE', there is a word 'LIE' between it.

This is also another word that i mention before, no matter u're close with a certain person, they still may betray u or stab u from behind. Because people are blind with greedy. The only way to overcome this, is both of u, put out ur heart, let each other knows completely.

9) Good friends are the one that will not be malu if they didn't chat. They know each other and sometimes, they silence in their mouth, but having chat with heart..

I met some good friends so far in my life. But i still couldn't shared my past with them and luckily, they understood how i feels...

10) The person who know ur weakness and still be with u, he/she is a good friends

For what i saw, every people just act along, no matter weakness u got, they just ignore.. They will stab u when the chances are there.. So watch out for those 'amazing' people in this world..

Thanks for people who cared about me these day, I already find the path that i followed before... But everything had changed when i pass by this path, maybe it is time I changed my WAY of playing this game...
May the ring in my hand, grant me strength and will to continue my journey, to find a place that are suitable for me..

2009-09-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

承尉，打开你的心房吧！
承尉，我们是来帮你的，别这样！
承尉，你可以别这样自闭吗？
承尉，你可以笑一点吗？
承尉，你可以不要这样吗? 报仇是不好的。

这几句话，是那些假面兽心的人讲的~
她们全部不是因为我是吴桂冰的大儿子吧了？
你们这班无能的人类，凭什么教训我？凭什么跟我讲人生大道？
我看和经历的都比你们多。。。

你们不要这样了，你们看他，握紧双拳了。

当时，我真的很想冲前去。把你们一个一个给杀了。。
这几年来，我努力做人，
学煮，武术，领导，讲话。。
最重要的事，我学做一个真正的男人。。

承尉，你不要这样酷啦。

一直以来，我都是不说话的。
因为，我不想让人知道我的过去。
因为，我不需要人家同情，怜悯。
微微，我答应你的事，我会尽量去做
对不起当年的冷酷，我不想你为我事而烦。
虽然我和你是没可能在一起了，但你，
永远会在我心里。。

你们一定不明白我所受的委屈，
一个人，带着太多秘密，
是很累的。
在你们眼里，我只不过是一个区区普通的小孩子。
可是，你们不懂我的能力可以到哪里。。。

Something happened... And I dislike this kinda feelings..
First I want to say sorry to all my friends..
These days i sure will be very quiet..
Cause I lost my WAY suddenly,
I'm finding the old path that I folowed before..
And I scared I will be lost in the mist forever..

2009-09-14T03:50:00.000-07:00

Life is kinda cool sometimes,
With sorrow, action, love...
Sometimes I hope that I've won't born as Chengway,
Too much pain and happiness...
Lost my way,
Don't know how to do.
Felt lonely and cool suddenly,
Warm and the passion to life lost suddenly...
Wonder how people survive when they face this kinda problem..
Suddenly turn into more quiet,
And sometimes got to be crazy to balance myself.
Is kinda tired to act the person that I'm not,
Maybe I still need to act forever?
Or I need to start my journey to find a corner in the world...
To be myself..